The Triumph of the Silent Wait

Today I had a dream that my abusers/transgressors poisoned all those I know who are in their circle about me, and now everyone has a faulted idea about me, and because I choose to keep my distance and not expose my them to anyone and everyone who would listen, my story is not told and my voice was not heard and the the truth is gone forever; leaving only their version of what they choose to tell!

I woke up in panic confused about what action to take and quickly. For the grace of God, I made a decision to first calm and collect myself before my guiding Holy Spirit. And my Higher Power being The God of order who I know Him to be didn't fail to deliver.

As I took a deeper look within myself I started to recognize that my panic and discomfort with my dream was feeling all too familiar, it's my same rooted need to be believed, acknowledged and approved of, which is too strong within me that the idea of existing with the knowledge that somewhere, someone is not impressed with me, finds me faulty and does not approve of me or my ways is a too heavier burden to live with, so I keep trying to fix it till I faint.

It all became so clear to me then, this crazy circle of viciousness is why I seeked healing and recovery in the first place; And It's how I was introduced to my first step to making peace with myself, God and my world around me; Admitting that my Spirit (Mind, Heart and Will) is diseased!
That I am powerless over the effects of the dysfunctional diseased world/people that my life had become unmanageable.

I was then reminded that to truly seek healing and recovery for my diseased spirit/life my first and most important tool is Honesty, and to remain Honest to oneself and God I have to examine my heart and my ways forcing myself to see and admit that to seek those in the circle of my Abusers/Transgressors in order to tell everyone my tales of wows and expose their wickdness is not only gossip but an attempt for personal vengeance in hope to create turbulence and turmoil in their lives just as they did in mine.

And in my path of seeking help and healing for my diseased spirit, hoping to recover it "Whole" again, I came to believe that a Higher Power greater than myself, a loving God as I understand Him could restore me to sanity. And will avenge my life "for the vengeance is His,says the Lord"!

So however hard the silent stand and wait is, in my path to recovery and the seeking of healing in the presence of God there are no short cuts, no manipulation of people or events nor any delusion of control urging attempts to manipulate God, time or the seasons of life;
In this long, narrow road of healing, wisdom and recovery there is only the truth of living one day at a time assuming the commitment we made when "we made a decision to surrender/turn over our lives and our will to the care of our Higher Power, our loving God as we understand Him! 

5 Breads and 2 Fish

I have been in the job market for many years now and have gone to many more interviews in the process.  Naturally, I became the go to for interviews prepping for my friends, what questions to expect; and regardless of the job that stereotype question of "Where do you see yourself in 5 or 10 years" is always to count for. 

It seems that every employer together with every TV Ad are concerned with where will we be in five years, our retirement plan, or our life insurance plan even; And we wonder why anxiety pills are in high demand, can anyone blame or judge, a generation that is being taught everyday that their present was created for their future, that who they are today doesn't matter or at least not quite relevant or enough, it's their future selves that the world is interested in!

While all this is a big hoax, we still take the bait.  We become anxious, greedy, selfish, self centered, self absorbed and addicts to one thing or another. And if we realized this about ourselves and but for the grace of God were shocked and/or disgusted with the version of ourselves that we have become, we only start seeking remedy for the symptom/s not the disease. 

Today, I meditated in the miracle of the Five Breads and Two Fish (Mark 6:41),  and it made me remember another similar miracle in the Old Testament (1 Kings 17: 7 - 16) with Elijah and the widow from Zarepath about the flour and the olive oil, which in turn reminded me of one of my favourite miracles of them all, one that is recognized in many faiths and beliefs; About The Manna and the Quail with Moses and the Israelites (Exodus 16).

I love the three miracles and the story about how God complete our shortcomings and fulfill our needs, but today as I meditated in the three miracles again, I came to realize that the keyword that is the code to deciphering the message told through the three stories in my opinion are in Moses words "No one is to keep any of it until morning" (Ex 16:19) 

The funny part, which we all pretend to be discontent and disgusted with as if our anxious, pill popping selves of today could do any better in the circumstances, they definitely kept for tomorrow, and Voala as the French say, it "was full of maggots and began to smell". 

True our bank savings, and insurance plans don't rotten or smell, but I wonder which parts of us do?! Yet, can we really look someone who is asking us about what insurance/retirement plan is best, or how to SMART measure an answer for the where do you see yourself in 5 or 10 years, that the Present is all that matter, and we have and who we are today is quite Enough!
The truth is there two different answers for two different lifestyles with two different life choices governed by totally two different gods.  Yes, I have said it, two different gods.  
I don't mean to offend or wish to shock but for the sake of honesty does the god in whom we seek the answers of "More Now, Bigger Now, Insurance Spare Now, who looks more like the wealthy lawyer in the "Devil's Advocate" movie with the fur coat and a gold chain necklace, who fills your life with models, triple your bank account in a jiff and promote you every other day; resembles in any sense the sandals wearing man who's idea of a mass feeding meal is 5 Breads and 2 fish? Didn't think so!
Today, I rethink both these stories and my life in a different light, I receive the invitation of my God as I understand him to a serene personal relationship telling me that I Matter, My life as it is today is Relevant and both my 5 Breads and 2 Fish and I are enough to satisfy not just one but five thousand more if willing to join!

"Mark 6: 41 - 44"
41Taking the five loaves and the two fish and looking up to heaven, he gave thanks and broke the loaves. Then he gave them to his disciples to distribute to the people. He also divided the two fish among them all42They all ate and were satisfied43and the disciples picked up twelve basketful of broken pieces of bread and fish44The number of the men who had eaten was five thousand.