Its the season for inventories. I am getting ready to leave in 10 days; my shipping company asked me if they can pay a visit few days prior to the shipping date so they can look at my stuff and determine the right tools and materials to bring with for the packing.
Going through my stuff, my books, my pictures... and the too many papers; posted and other scraps with quotes I heard or read somewhere, some are of favorite bible verses, lots of greeting cards from people I have known throughout my whole life, some have passed away, some we've lost touch and some who are just in a different place in our lives and our relationships, and some still make me smile because they are so true and some remind me of things I was going through then and still needed to hear and read today.
I found this beautiful handwritten letter from someone who was my best friend for more than 10 years, she rarely talked or expressed herself fully, but I had no difficulty understanding, connecting or loving her. She was and is one of the most beautiful spirits I have ever met. The letter was sealed in a purple envelope "my favorite color" she has given it to me sometime before Christmas as I was travelling to stay in another country where I was going to spend Christmas, New Year's and my birthday and was even contemplating living in that country if all worked well for me. The letter was; it was so beautiful expressed with so much love and joyful memories full of promises of more joyful adventures still to come; until there wasn't. It brought tears to my eyes because this beautiful girl is no longer present in my life. This memory was like Pandora's box that opened more wounds; it made me remember my grandmother with her big body sitting in the center of her bed with her two short silver curly braids and a smile on her face, whenever I came in burdened or disappointed, she would promise me that great goodness will come my way and she will live to see it. Until she didn't.
I sat then and there crying and grieving over what I lost, what I felt was stolen from me. It was like going down the stairs to find a dungeon of a mysterious palace; where you see the truth of what really took place in that mystic place. I was there surrounded with dead dreams, crushed hopes and a broken heart. As I allowed myself to grief and cry until I was quite, I continued going through my papers so I could finish and just climb into bed and silently go to sleep with a sad and freshly opened wound. When I found then a piece of paper torn from some notebook that didn't look even like it was one of mine. It had four lines written in it:
"Prayers depend on God's Goodness... unless God cares for me.. prayers are useless!
Praise depends on God's Faithfulness... unless God can always be trusted, there is no reason to praise Him!
Joy depends on God's Justice... unless God rights all wrong, there is no reason to exalt!
Therefore, no matter what happens in life, there is reason to be joyful; God promises that His Justice will prevail... I can take that to the bank; He is Good; He can be Trusted; and He will bring Justice"
I don't know where did I hear or read that, but I am glad I wrote it down. It was like finding a hidden button in that dark dungeon and pressed it and there it was a secret door that opened, leading to a secret passage, to another place more bright that has the promises of change, freedom, goodness and better ending. Just when I thought I unveiled the unfair/ugly face and truth of what life was all about; that nothing lasts forever; Relationships break; loved ones die; Scripted future have a way to not come to life; disease and old age steals dreams of motherhood and child birth; death steals the desired hopes that our children would one day have the happy memories with their extended family like we did, is no longer an option because they simply no longer exist.
There is a saying that "People can never change the truth; but Truth can change people". My loss was real and true, but the other truth was right there staring me back in the face, one that bear witness of my Higher Power's nature and characteristics. A truth that helped that did not only change my feelings, lifted my spirit but also generated hope into my life.
Today, I realize that this season as it marks an end and a beginning in my life and my calendar; I have a choice, and 've been granted a gift to not see it as a season of Empty Womb.. but to exalt and rejoice in the true promises of God's words that makes it a season of an Empty Tomb.. where the dead has risen!
Today, I see the change in my life with all that have passed and all that is still unrealized, not as a time to wail but an invitation to rejoice gazing at the glory to come, which is so bright... it blinds the eye!
