"Because of the LORD's great love we are not consumed,for his compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness." (Lamentations 3:22-23)
They say be careful of what you ask for, you might just get it. I pray to be the person God created me to be, and be the scented essence of God in the world.
The past weeks taught me the hard way that this is not an easy thing to do or be, I don't wake up like that.. I wish I could! I learned that I have to get hurt, betrayed, misunderstood, judged, accused and wronged so I could then sow love where there is hatred; pardon where is injury; hope where there is despair; light where there is darkness and joy where there is sadness.
Boy, for it is tough! I have to rely on fresh comfort and healing each time. At times, I had to pray the same thing over and over everyday or sometimes every hour of a single day, just to go by. To keep myself from watering my hurt and injury and act vengeful, judgmental or gossipy. I had to examen my motives and refrain from posting thoughts on my Facebook status or wall, and sometimes I had to hide the status and comments of others to avoid being triggered, provoked or tempted to react instead of act. It is extra hard for me because I know that I am an action taker, more comfortable when I am busy and industrious. I learned to walk in reverse... "To not just do something about it, but to sit there" :-))
At times it seemed as if I was allowing others to violate me and walk all over me, like my friend thought and told me when she was going mad out of her mind in the train station when the bearded ticketing officer dismissed our request for tickets in the next train though he just gave two tickets and was extra nice to a couple of foreigners who were before us in the Que. My friend was aggravated and could not believe me as I smiled joyfully to the guy as if he just offered us tickets with an upgrade even; I said "thank you for the information and the help" and took my friends arm and headed to the train lane telling her I trust that it will all be alright and we will find seats and it will even be fun.
I really believe that my friend was ready to smack me on the head to bring me to my senses thinking I was in Denial. :-D
I wasn't being a fool or any kinder than him actually as it seemed, I was as strong headed as he was, simply holding tight to my right to be myself. If my "Pleases, Thank Yous and courteous smile" did not succeed to make this officer change who he was, or be less mean and less prejudiced, then why should his actions and behavior control and manipulate me to be someone who I am not?!! I insisted to maintain my right to be joyful, kind, courteous, pleasant and bless-full no matter what people do or say. I was refusing to be controlled or manipulated, no not today...(Thinking to myself: Even Score... in your face, eat your heart.. lol :-))
I realized that I need to rely on fresh compassion, healing and help everyday to be able to do this over and over. I need to accept that no matter how big or small my attempts are to improve, develop and work on myself seem to me, I am only doing what is divinely right, common,expected and commanded of me. I also need to accept that I choose to walk on this path and not everyone pledged the same. I am the one "Off track", hence I can not sit around waiting for others to show me the compassion, apology or comfort whenever I think they've wrong me.
I meditate on the story were Christ healed the ten lepers and nine of them just went on with their way and never looked back or returned to thank him, and only one leper returned to thank for his healing (Luke 17:12-19). Christ did not go around scandalizing, cursing, promising eternal condemnation for those who did not come back, He just let go.. He further blessed and acknowledged the faithful act of the returned leper and commented no more..
Today, I learn that I need not obsess or focus on others... I can see those I showed love, mercy and compassion refuse to see, acknowledge or feel it, but turn their backs and go away. Today, I can show extra love, gratitude and joy for those who accepted my hand and showed me appreciation and love.
Today, I meditate on the thought of living above or across from a bakery or a coffee roasting shop so I can smell the freshness of a new made bread and coffee everyday, allowing that smell of freshness to open my senses to welcoming each new day with open arms.
Today, I pray for opened senses, to see, smell, hear, taste and touch the new mercies and compassion that my Lord has for me every morning.
"O, Divine Master, grant that I may not so much seek to be consoled, as to console; to be understood, as to understand; to be loved, as to love; for it is in giving that we receive, it is in pardoning that we are pardoned, and it is in dying that we are born to eternal life." -- (Al-Anon Prayer)