Figuring It Out With The Inner Joseph

Joseph, chagrined but noble, determined to take care of things quietly so Mary would not be disgraced. While he was trying to figure a way out, he had a dream. God's angel spoke in the dream: "Joseph, son of David, don't hesitate to get married"... -- Mat 1: 19 - 20 


I was talking with a friend of mine the other day on commitment issues, and his first natural response was "no one willingly runs to be imprisoned".  We debated the sense of being committed to a relationship, or a job or a vision and how it depends on how long we have been at the other end that with time we start realizing that we all want to have stable, sustainable commitments, we are only worried to make the wrong choices; We are Afraid! 


I thought about a proper prayer for commitment and the story of Joseph and Mary came to mind, He was noble, yet that did not contradict the fact that he is human.  He got cold feet, it wasn't fear of responsibility, it was new data being sprinkled on him; It was the fact that suddenly it seemed that he might be about to bite more than he could chew; He does love Mary but with the idea of a baby (let alone one that she claims was "supernaturally" conceived).  I believe he was facing that moment of fight or flight and obviously his guts was telling him that flight was not a very bad option. 


Fear of commitment can take many forms, shapes and sizes, with fears of relationships, marriage, being good parents, good employers or employees... that still shakes us to the core.  


I confess I have a severe flight tendencies, I don't want to be hurt and in my mind my flight is rationalized by my selfless, considerate attempt to not be a source of disappointment and hurt  another, which are in themselves carry fatal elements that are doomed to sabotage any equation.  


I came to learn that it is only normal for us to fear new beginnings, things, people and see them as a dangerous territory.  Today, I am coming to accept the simple fact that in many areas of my life I simply need to accept that it is OK to "feel" and be  afraid as I am trying a brand new approach into life, people, places and things.  


Today, I am also coming to realize and acknowledge that "feelings are not facts"; For most of the "unnatural; weird; new; foreign" changes that are being introduced to my life do not necessary mean that they are wrong; Just because they differ from the perfect set up I had in mind that doesn't mean it is not the right one for me!


Today, I am learning to look differently at my FEAR and see it as a doorway to many choices that might have variable effects on my life; Today I have the opportunity to take a decision to either "Fear ($#@%) Everything And Run" or "Face Everything and Recover".  


Today, I am learning to take a deep breath and as I am figuring things out with my inner Joseph, I make a conscious choice to let myself be vulnerable and present, willing and ready to hear that Angel's voice to not fear taking that step and making that commitment!

It's Already in the Bag

God promises to provide us with the desires of our hearts -- Phillipians 4:19 John 15:7 Psalm 37:4-5


All books that speak of the ability to heal your life, and the power of positive thinking concludes that "If you can imagine it... it can happen to you". 


I was talking to my God daughter about why there are some areas in my life that seem to be lacking, while there is this other area that always seem to pick up and flourish despite of how many times it falls flat on its belly.  


Like me and work for instance.  How many times, have I changed jobs, and the economy in each time seems to be going from bad to worse, and despite the fears, concerns and warnings of many around me, things just pick up and for the better also.  I again find exactly what I am looking for in the exact shape, size and form and often exceeds my expectations. 


I wanted to get to the bottom of this, so I started exploring this idea further with my friend and breakdown the facts in hand.  So, I found that when it comes to work I do have a faith in God's promise that He is my provider; He provides and will continue to provide for me.  Therefore, no matter how things seem to go south at times and how many times I try and fail I just move on quietly to the next best thing, to purse that person, attend that meeting or write that e-mail, till the bait is caught and I find that I finally caught that fish I was looking for. 


The question within me was WHY?? then I seem to be having a harder time making peace and breaking bread when it comes to other things, relationships for instance! Why do the disappointments seems greater.  Why every time I seem closer to finding "The One", and I find it to be defective or I get hurt,  my heart goes sick and I instantly and instinctively withdraw and feel disappointed with God.  


I don't know about you, but it takes me a long time before I put myself out there again to try and as time goes by I grow more in fear that I am doomed for disappointment.  


Hence was my question; Why is my approach and attitude towards relationships and some other things in my life is so different than my attitude towards work?!  


I came to see that, when it comes to work and money, I developed this blind trust that God will provide, and I had faith that He does not take pleasure in seeing me in "Want"; Not only this but further I found that I believe that He already provided and its just a matter of me finding those "good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do" Ephesians 2:10. 

It's like a game where certain items are put in a large bag and you were asked to "go fishing" so you put in your hand, to touch and feel till you come out with the right item.  


I came to learn that the answer to my question was that with Work and money, I already figured this out, I confidently knew that the item was "In the Bag" so I just put in my hand and search for it, and if I came out with the wrong item, I say that this is OK, and I put my hand back in the bag and keep searching.  


Today, I came to believe that so is the case with all the other areas of my life.  I needed to be reminded that "All Items were already In The Bag".  And all I need to do is put my hand in and search; Sometimes I find what I am looking for from the first time, and that is what some call luck my dear friend :-)


I happen to know that I am not alone in this, in more times than I could count, everyone seems to share my experience, were we put our hands and seem to often come out with the wrong thing, or may be worse we get pinched by some sharp edged item and it hurts or may be injured; If we are confident that what we are looking for is still there.. all we need to do is go ahead, say that ouch, suck the blood,  and put back our hands in that deep bag till we find "the one", which feels right!


I came to learn that the answer lays within me, I just needed to dig deeper to find it.  The question was not directed to the void, the Universe or to my Higher Power.  It a question that needs to be directed to me alone, and only me can choose the answer to it.  Do I believe that my Higher Power is kind, honest and caring who does not set me up for disappointment?  Or do I function out of doubt and fear, filled with suspicion acting as if its some sort of a cruel game where I am sent out in a fishing expedition to look for something that was never placed in the bag to begin with?!!  Once, I have my answer, the rest is clear, more simple and makes the journey less painful and more interestingly comfortable.  


"Don't quit 5 minutes before the miracle happens" Anonymous 

The Healing Sting

If you want to forget all your other troubles, wear too tight shoes.  ~The Houghton Line, November 1965


I have watched too many movies (perhaps even for my own good) where people get amnesia after suffering a head trauma, and miraculously they seem to manage to fall somehow again from those long stairs or have a Chandler fall on their head or have some sort of severe accident where they regain their memory back.  I thought that is just too redundant and fake to even have a slim margin of truth.  


Then, I came to learn about other sorts of amnesia, its the kind that we choose to grant ourselves after suffering some sort of a soul troubling trauma; I learn the technical term for that is "Denial".  


I came to know a lot of people who love so much, that they can't believe their loved one is troubled, defected, dangerous, cheating or just gone.  I learned that the traumas of broken dreams and shattered heart desires that all our lives seem to have been weaved around like a spider web, could not easily be accepted like a fall of leaf and one moves on whole and sane.  Yet, sanity is required, it is something that we could sense it's loss, it manifests in flying color when it is absent, it becomes symptoms, it leads to crossing roads, to moments of truth, to therapy, to a doctor visit, a phone call or a simple question we plead our dear lives to never have to ask. 


Then there comes the truth, "The Truth that sets us Free".  Our loved one has died, have left the building, have chosen to remain absent from our family pictures.  We take the call, we hear the words and just like another fall from a high building or some shelves broken on our heads... we regain our consciousness knowledge of our truth.  In a fraction of a second we start to know for sure down in our souls it is "The Truth".   It releases the ache and open the path to living again; It is the only way to start truly living from the heart, breathing from our stomach, stop fighting and cramping, slowly we get to regain our sense of smell and the memories attached to tastes rushes right back.  Yet "it hurts like a brand new shoes" like the song of India Arie.  


I lost many dear ones over the course of my life, at some point I started to grief, yet the most recent loss was coming face to face with seeing a loved one's soul and loving interaction fades.  The body is there, it is worm, touchable, but as the medics get to explain it; It is the only thing that is hear.  The person you used to know, is no longer inside.  


It is hard when you know that you are in mourning, yet you can't wear black or visit a grave.  It is a silent, longer, more sensitive and lonely path to walk.    Yet, it starts the moment your soul sinks deep into your stomach and you know what you just heard is true.  
The shock is real, the pain is real, the anger is real, but also the healing loving acceptance is also real.  


Today, I am wearing a very tight shoes, my soul feels like as if it is walking funny.  Today, I choose to limp my way through the dark tunnel of grief, hoping to see the light at the other side, when I could make peace with the fact that what I once loved is gone and is no longer available for me, yet I know this is only part of the truth, and only the whole truth is the one that "Sets me Free"; Today I know that once I had love available to me before it is gone it was mine and it staid and it held my hands.  And now, I can learn one day at a time to open my hands and let go.  


Today, I hope that as I walk around with empty hands, I meet some divine loving ones that holds tight to mine.