Today I declare that I am going to see God's favor in a greater way, that new doors are going to begin to open for me, that super natural opportunities are coming my way, that God is setting up divine connections for me, that I am always at the right place at the right time, that I am going to overcome every obstacle and defeat every enemy, that I am going to see every dream and every desire that God has placed into my heart come to pass.



Today, I dedicate my life to truth, love, peace and happiness. To Non injury through thought, word or deed.

Spirit Flight

Spirit Flight

Saturday, December 18, 2010

My Christmas Present

"Glory to God in the heavenly heights, Peace to all men and women on earth who please him" Luke 2:14

Each year I will have a long list of things that I want /(expect) to have for Christmas; Though this list is no longer necessary marked as directed to Santa, but rather prepared for my Higher Power's attention.

Throughout the past months and specifically the past seven to be exact by the time I started this blog,  I was learning how to live life one day at a time and how to give up expectations as I came to learn they are (premeditated resentments) :-)).  I think somewhere along the journey I learned to stop planning, it was tough for me to know that there is a God and He is not me :-) that I can not plan everything in my life, and great part if not all of it of turning my will and my life over to the care of God, is to learn that I need to be open for other unexpected, unplanned things to land in my lap.  I need to learn to like surprises and not mind change, because my best thinking is what got me here; on my Knees praying for an Awakening of some sort, for a vision and to a path to find serenity, which I was searching fiercely for.  

I started my journey carrying a big sack on my shoulder that I didn't know it was there, and when I did, I didn't know how to put it down, and if I happened to know how, I didn't know how this would look like that I know I am burden free. Along with this big sack I had a wide tool bag of ineffective behaviors (used as coping mechanisms) wrapped around my waist.  

One of the big loads in my sack was my fear of being alone.  I wanted, I needed to belong.  One of the tools I picked from my waist bag was to lie about the severity of my wellbeing and fabricate behaviors, experiences and feelings that were not true in my life (as if it even the mess I had was not severe enough) for the sake of joining certain groups that form some sort of a bond over their specific common problems.  When my faking proved to be ineffective as I was still not part of that bond and I was still happy, I retrieved, seeking other means to control and manage my life and my burden. 

Another block in my sack was the compulsive need to feel right about what I was doing or what was happening in my life; I needed to make sense.  My ineffective behavioral tool was the compulsion to take quick decisions, to pick a side, choose a label and sticking with it no matter how evidents over time proved that to be untrue.  

Having had reached a bottom of exhaustion from carrying that heavy sack all around and used all my ineffective behavioral tools and yet the situation was the same.  I was ready to do the unthinkable.  Face my own demon; my biggest fear of abandonment.  I knew to get what I never had, I had to do something I never did.  I made a decision to abandon myself to the care of God as I understood him.  

Having been busy with this journey, living it, learning my lessons, praying my prayers, blogging about it, opening my wounds and exposing them so they get the air they need to dry and heal.  I forgot to do my Santa list. 

Today in particular I came home to an unexpected gift of Christmas one that I so much needed but never thought it is what I wanted so I could put it high on my list (typical both of me and my Higher Power).  

Today, I met a wise passionate person with whom I had a heart to heart conversations and he advised that I "should" seek solution in this "specific way".  
I listed with an open heart to what my new wise friend shared with me, considered it, did not commit to adopting his ideas and did not fight back and be defensive on why I choose not to commit that his suggestion is the "right solution".  I took it to my heart, I reflected on why I did not consider this solution though it has been offered to me before, without trying to find faults with me for not choosing that early then; and then considered the suggestion I heard from my friend, without the need to find faults with him for not seeing/understanding my reasons to not making a commitment to follow that suggestion.  

Today, I realized that I indeed came to acquired the precious gift of "patience" the skill of waiting till I know.  No panic attacks or anxious feelings or insane thoughts that I "Need" to exactly know how I feel about this situation and "Have to" decide on what to do about it. 

Today, I came to realize that I learned to live with acceptance; Accepting that I am who I am, I feel what I feel, and People are who they are and are entitled to their own beliefs, thoughts, discoveries, awakenings and behaviors.  

Today, I joyfully realized that my prayers for God to reveal to me what I need to change has been answered in a way.  I need to change how I listen without having a need to give a comfortable answer that fixes others lives.  Today I can hear suggestions and not feel a need to take a decision on how I feel about what heard or what action should I take instantly to reflect that.  Today, I need to change my need to have people see things, God, life, places and circumstances the way I see them.

Today, I learned that with all the focus I put on me and my journey with my Higher Power, the gift in my stocking is progress and not perfection; And I came to learn to celebrate that.  

Today, I stand here before you all, my Higher Power and myself, jumping of sheer and joy for I hit the jack box I got the Christmas present that was too big even for me to enlist among my list.  Behold, behold... I was granted Serenity and Sanity :-)). 

Merry Christmas to Us All...

Friday, December 10, 2010

Season's Inventory

Its the season for inventories.  I am getting ready to leave in 10 days; my shipping company asked me if they can pay a visit few days prior to the shipping date so they can look at my stuff and determine the right tools and materials to bring with for the packing.

Going through my stuff,  my books, my pictures... and the too many papers; posted and other scraps with quotes I heard or read somewhere, some are of favorite bible verses, lots of greeting cards from people I have known throughout my whole life, some have passed away, some we've lost touch and some who are just in a different place in our lives and our relationships, and some still make me smile because they are so true and some remind me of things I was going through then and still needed to hear and read today. 

I found this beautiful handwritten letter from someone who was my best friend for more than 10 years, she rarely talked or expressed herself fully, but I had no difficulty understanding, connecting or loving her.  She was and is one of the most beautiful spirits I have ever met.  The letter was sealed in a purple envelope "my favorite color" she has given it to me sometime before Christmas as I was travelling to stay in another country where I was going to spend Christmas, New Year's and my birthday and was even contemplating living in that country if all worked well for me.  The letter was; it was so beautiful expressed with so much love and joyful memories full of promises of more joyful adventures still to come; until there wasn't.  It brought tears to my eyes because this beautiful girl is no longer present in my life.  This memory was like Pandora's box that opened more wounds; it made me remember my grandmother with her big body sitting in the center of her bed with her two short silver curly braids and a smile on her face, whenever I came in burdened or disappointed, she would promise me that great goodness will come my way and she will live to see it.  Until she didn't.  

I sat then and there crying and grieving over what I lost, what I felt was stolen from me.  It was like going down the stairs to find a dungeon of a mysterious palace; where you see the truth of what really took place in that mystic place. I was there surrounded with dead dreams, crushed hopes and a broken heart.  As I allowed myself to grief and cry until I was quite, I continued going through my papers so I could finish and just climb into bed and silently go to sleep with a sad and freshly opened wound.  When I found then a piece of paper torn from some notebook that didn't look even like it was one of mine.  It had four lines written in it:
"Prayers depend on God's Goodness... unless God cares for me.. prayers are useless!
Praise depends on God's Faithfulness... unless God can always be trusted, there is no reason to praise Him!
Joy depends on God's Justice... unless God rights all wrong, there is no reason to exalt!
Therefore, no matter what happens in life, there is reason to be joyful; God promises that His Justice will prevail... I can take that to the bank; He is Good; He can be Trusted; and He will bring Justice"

I don't know where did I hear or read that, but I am glad I wrote it down.  It was like finding a hidden button in that dark dungeon and pressed it and there it was a secret door that opened, leading to a secret passage, to another place more bright that has the promises of change, freedom, goodness and better ending.  Just when I thought I unveiled the unfair/ugly face and truth of what life was all about; that nothing lasts forever; Relationships break; loved ones die; Scripted future have a way to not come to life; disease and old age steals dreams of motherhood and child birth; death steals the desired hopes that our children would one day have the happy memories with their extended family like we did, is no longer an option because they simply no longer exist.  

There is a saying that "People can never change the truth; but Truth can change people".  My loss was real and  true, but the other truth was right there staring me back in the face, one that bear witness of my Higher Power's nature and characteristics.  A truth that helped that did not only change my feelings, lifted my spirit but also generated hope into my life.  

Today, I realize that this season as it marks an end and a beginning in my life and my calendar; I have a choice, and 've been granted a gift to not see it as a season of Empty Womb.. but to exalt and rejoice in the true promises of God's words that makes it a season of an Empty Tomb.. where the dead has risen!

Today, I see the change in my life with all that have passed and all that is still unrealized, not as a time to wail but an invitation to rejoice gazing at the glory to come, which is so bright... it blinds the eye!  

Tuesday, November 23, 2010

I am Seen.. I am Desired

"I paid a huge price for you: all of Egypt, with rich Cush and Seba thrown in!
That's how much you mean to me! That's how much I love you! I'd sell off the whole world to get you back, trade the creation just for you." (Isaiah 43:4)

Early today, and I mean like really early before 4:00 a.m. I woke up in one of my spirit heated prayers episodes.  I call them episodes because for some reason in certain seasons I find myself up and about regardless of how late I went to bed or how well I am physically feeling, heated with prayers with a burdening load on my chest that won't go away until my spirit feels some sort of a resolution and answer to whatever issue lifted in my prayers.  
My best friend and my sister calls this time the shift changing time in the spiritual realm; she gets up herself sometime at this hour to dedicate the day to God and declare him as her Higher Power over the course of her day.  
I am not sure where she got that from, but I like it.. it reminds me of the scene in the movie "The City of Angels" when all the Angels used to gather from all around to witness sunrise saying that it makes a magnificent sound that only they "Angels" could hear and they give praise at that time. 

So, in my shift changing time, I was feeling darkness all around not only in my room but inside me that have filled me with feelings of fear, disorientation and confusion.  I started lifting up my eyes to where my help comes from (Psalm 121:1) and this temporarily moment of darkness made me reflect on other periods of darkness in my life.  I was reminded of a one dark moment in my life filled with despair, destitute and pity; seeing myself abandoned by "man" and felt no hope that things will ever get bettered, I decided to end my life.  Yes, I did!  With the grace of God, my life was preserved, with no significant damage whatsoever, except to the heart of my God apparently!  

I felt the face of my loving God looking down at me, reminding me in HIS loving voice, "I've redeemed you. I've called your name. You're mine." (Isaiah 43:1).  Though I am a particle in this wide earth, in the galaxy and in the creation, my Higher Power has spotted me, SEEN me, and Loved me, HE Desired and Wanted me.  HE knew that being in this falling wold I was to perish if I am left to follow my choices and those made of my ancestors before me.  HE Wanted Life for Me and WORKED for it, with a living, perfect, pure and holy sacrifice; so that I may not perish but Live! (John 3:16)
The longing loving spot in my Higher Power's heart did not allow me to go and lay in the ground with those before me deceived by a lie that says-- I am not Loved! feeling rejected by humans.  

In our modern day, when we people work for the Government and taxes we say working for the man!  In that moment of honesty in my shift changing prayer time I saw how I lived, worked for and was fooled and manipulated by the man.  The Man in the world form of what we think is "In Control" and "In Charge" to grant us acceptance, approval and love; deciding on our success and failures.  

In this deep moment of unity with my God in spirit I was reminded of the sweetest voice of my best friend and sister and the twin of my soul, asking me to pray for her so she can feel the self acceptance and approval she deserves!!  My spirit shouted with drums and noise, knowing the special truth my Higher Power lovingly wanted to share with me at this so early hour in the morning.  

Today, I declare the WILL of my Higher Power over my life; Do not die with the lie, but live with the truth that "I am God, You Personal God... Your Savior" (Isaiah 43:3)

Today, I attend to the bride of the throne with oil of myrrh and sweet odors for Her preparation to stand pure and without wrinkle before the Groom (Esther 2:12); with only tears of longing and gratitude, wearing their crowns of pride and dignity with HIS love banner over them, giving themselves to the Groom accepting HIS long awaiting invitation to join HIM in eternal living.  

Today, I blog, for "I didn't die. I lived! And now I'm telling the world what God did." (Psalm 118:17)

Saturday, November 20, 2010

The Sign-Posted Path

Isa 26:8  "We're in no hurry, GOD. We're content to linger in the path sign-posted with your decisions. Who you are and what you've done are all we'll ever want."

"Coincidences are miracles in which God chooses to remain anonymous." (AA 12 Steps Slogan)

My very good friend has a degree in children education and she has a personal passion for working among children.  She works in a good reputable cancer care major institution in an administrative position.  Though she loves the place, she shared with me several times how she wishes to get involved in a ministry that involves children in which she can combine her educational background, her work expertise and her passion together.  She explored many ways to achieve this but no door seems to open.  We encouraged each other several times sharing our visions and heart desires for our lives.  
She wrote me an e-mail the other week sharing how she went to this work function and as she was mingling and making conversations as her wonderful lovely self she bumped into this lady and they developed a connection over the conversation, she casually shared about her background and her passion and then realized she had to leave as she was excusing herself the lady told her that she worked at the Pediatric ward and might be interested to see how my friend could get involved, my friend was as always pleased with that and was exchanging contact details in a hurry, as she had no pen and paper to get the lady's info she took a picture of her badge.  As my friend sat in her car driving back she looked into the information details to record them in her phone and she realized she had actually talked to the Director of the Pediatric Division.  
How about that!! She stopped her car with an urge to pray and give thanks to God and as she lifted her eyes to the sky she saw that she was standing next to a big billboard sign that said "God Listens!"

Recently, I have been seeing signs on my own road.  A conversation I had with a friend revealed to me that not going to that trip I was longing for last week was actually a big blessing because I needed to learn more on the people I was meeting.  Haven't I seen the other sides of the picture might have had a significant affect on my enjoyment of the trip.  

I also came to learn that though I had made no personal plans or expectation on how to spend my vacation a dear friend of mine was putting together good plans to introduce me to people I might enjoy and places I might be interested to see.  

An e-mail from a one time acquaintance I have made contact with four years ago in my career search, showed me that I am remembered.  When approached by people looking for professionals to take part in their new project he remembered me and found my CV and forwarded it to them.  Not knowing where I am today in my life, and if I was even looking or would be interested to change jobs.  
I expressed my gratitude to this nice person and told him that indeed I am reaching the end of my contract in the Gulf and moving back home and I am looking and interested to find a suitable career opportunity.  

Then before I could recover from this pleasant "coincident" I got another e-mail from another friend sharing on some other foundation working in the same area of interest that I am passionate about.  

Though, I am still to make that trip, meet all sorts of people, visit places or just sit peacefully reading a book or watching a movie, and knowing that I might or might not be contacted for that career opportunity I find amazing.  I find myself filled with Awe! staring mentally at the same highway sign as my friend reading "God Listens!".

Today, I learn to interpret those signs to read a kind message from my Higher Power telling me "Dear Child, I do not need your help today, thanks--God" (12 Steps Slogan)

Today, I learn to let go of my need to be worried, anxious, upset and hurried.  Today, I choose to trust my Higher Power to be my utmost Advocate.  

Today, I learn that my Higher Power does not need my help to take care of me and bring me the the future I hope for. (Jeremiah 29:11)

Today, I Let go and Let God.  Today, I take a decision to turn my will, my life and my circumstances over to the care of God as I understand him. 

Friday, November 12, 2010

Living Well...

Mar 5:34  Jesus said to her, "Daughter, you took a risk of faith, and now you're healed and whole. Live well, live blessed! Be healed of your plague." 

A phrase that has meant a lot for me lately that my colleague uttered so casually commenting on ones future and life "It is so easy to worry"!

As I am closing one chapter of my life, taking the decision to resign my current job and go on a quest to pursue my own vision.  I recently find it within to take a pause, put my fear and anxiousness aside, ignore what I think people and circumstances want me to do... and ask myself what do I want to do.  What do I see myself in, what does my heart and inner soul is guiding me towards.  

Reciting my declaration and affirmation that I will overcome every obstacle and defeat every enemy.  I came to learn that I AM my biggest obstacle and my enemy at large.  I came to pay attention to how closely I observe how people grade me and how I measure myself against what they regard of me.  I hear my boss tell me that he sees me as a talented inspired writer and knows exactly how far I could go, and at the same time, how he disregards any chance to optimize my talents but on the contrary casts me aside and offer a room for growth and promotion to a complete unknown outsider.   Instead of anger, which at least would have been an understandable feeling, I tend to draw on pity and disappointment on how I am not destined for greatness.  I came to learn how close to me was discouragement and how high people are regarded in my life that in them I find the source of motivation and guidance, it is them who dictate my present and draw the guidelines of my future journey.  

It is then that I came to acknowledge the truth of how far from the center is My Higher Power.  It became clear how much my inner compass required tweaking.  I dried my eyes and had a confrontation moment in which I brought my inner child to meet my Divine Father for a real first parental meeting.  I Knew I needed to give my Divine Parent the chance to be the Leader in my life, the Alpha and the Omega, to guide and lead me where I need to go.  I am finally ready to listen, hence, I knew I would now hear.   

I came to learn the past few weeks that regardless of how powerless I seem to be and how unmanageable life seems, I always have a choice.  I can choose to either be by my side or abandon myself.  

I choose today to listen to the true, loving and caring voice of my God as I understand Him who lives within me as Me! Telling me who I truly am, what do I truly like, guiding me through the path I need to take towards my purposeful journey to heal my heart and bring quality to my life.  

Today, I learned to let down my fear and know though it seems so easy to worry I can choose "not to let Security - Or my search for it - be my base of operations" (from the book In All Our Affairs)

As I take a joyful confident step in my new journey towards an unknown, unframed, unlimited, unrestricted, unchained and unleashed life I let the kind voice of my Higher Power washes away my past pains, hurts, frustrations, discouragement and fills me with His truth of me.  Seeking the same experience as that bleeding woman centuries ago after suffering bent down and drained for 18 years by this plague, spending fortunes left and right searching for someone to cure her and put a stop to the drain that torn her life with shame and disgrace.  Daring in spite of all that to imagine a life of healing and wholeness, pushing through the crowd to touch the edge of the Messiah's robe, trusting that this simple act of faith can bring closure to a long exhausting chapter of her life, offering her a new leaf, and a new chance to live the life she was meant to have.  She knew she had all that she dreamed of and more when the kind, reassuring voice of Christ said to her, "Daughter, you took a risk of faith, and now you're healed and whole. Live well, live blessed! Be healed of your plague." (Mark 5:34)

"Though no one can go back and make a brand new start, anyone can start from now and make a brand new end" (from the book As we Understood)

Thursday, October 7, 2010

Smell the Freshness

"Because of the LORD's great love we are not consumed,for his compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness." (Lamentations 3:22-23)

They say be careful of what you ask for, you might just get it.  I pray to be the person God created me to be, and be the scented essence of God in the world.  
The past weeks taught me the hard way that this is not an easy thing to do or be, I don't wake up like that.. I wish I could!  I learned that I have to get hurt, betrayed, misunderstood, judged, accused and wronged so I could then sow love where there is hatred; pardon where is injury; hope where there is despair; light where there is darkness and joy where there is sadness. 

Boy, for it is tough! I have to rely on fresh comfort and healing each time.  At times, I had to pray the same thing over and over everyday or sometimes every hour of a single day, just to go by.  To keep myself from watering my hurt and injury and act vengeful, judgmental or gossipy.  I had to examen my motives and refrain from posting thoughts on my Facebook status or wall, and sometimes I had to hide the status and comments of others to avoid being triggered, provoked or tempted to react instead of act.  It is extra hard for me because I know that I am an action taker, more comfortable when I am busy and industrious.  I learned to walk in reverse... "To not just do something about it, but to sit there" :-))

At times it seemed as if I was allowing others to violate me and walk all over me, like my friend thought and told me when she was going mad out of her mind in the train station when the bearded ticketing officer dismissed our request for tickets in the next train though he just gave two tickets and was extra nice to a couple of foreigners who were before us in the Que.  My friend was aggravated and could not believe me as I smiled joyfully  to the guy as if he just offered us tickets with an upgrade even; I said "thank you for the information and the help" and took my friends arm and headed to the train lane telling her I trust that it will all be alright and we will find seats and it will even be fun.  

I really believe that my friend was ready to smack me on the head to bring me to my senses thinking I was in Denial.  :-D 

I wasn't being a fool or any kinder than him actually as it seemed, I was as strong headed as he was, simply holding tight to my right to be myself.  If my "Pleases, Thank Yous and courteous smile" did not succeed to make this officer change who he was, or be less mean and less prejudiced, then why should his actions and behavior control and manipulate me to be someone who I am not?!!  I insisted to maintain my right to be joyful, kind, courteous, pleasant and bless-full no matter what people do or say.  I was refusing to be controlled or manipulated, no not today...(Thinking to myself: Even Score... in your face, eat your heart.. lol :-))

I realized that I need to rely on fresh compassion, healing and help everyday to be able to do this over and over.  I need to accept that no matter how big or small my attempts are to improve, develop and work on myself seem to me, I am only doing what is divinely right, common,expected and commanded of me.  I also need to accept that I choose to walk on this path and not everyone pledged the same.  I am the one "Off track", hence I can not sit around waiting for others to show me the compassion, apology or comfort whenever I think they've wrong me.  

I meditate on the story were Christ healed the ten lepers and nine of them just went on with their way and never looked back or returned to thank him, and only one leper returned to thank for his healing (Luke 17:12-19). Christ did not go around scandalizing, cursing, promising eternal condemnation for those who did not come back, He just let go.. He further blessed and acknowledged the faithful act of the returned leper and commented no more..

Today, I learn that I need not obsess or focus on others... I can see those I showed love, mercy and compassion refuse to see, acknowledge or feel it, but turn their backs and go away.  Today, I can show extra love, gratitude and joy for those who accepted my hand and showed me appreciation and love.  

Today, I meditate on the thought of living above or across from a bakery or a coffee roasting shop so I can smell the freshness of a new made bread and coffee everyday, allowing that smell of freshness to open my senses to welcoming each new day with open arms. 

Today, I pray for opened senses, to see, smell, hear, taste and touch the new mercies and compassion that my Lord has for me every morning. 

"O, Divine Master, grant that I may not so much seek to be consoled, as to console; to be understood, as to understand; to be loved, as to love; for it is in giving that we receive, it is in pardoning that we are pardoned, and it is in dying that we are born to eternal life." -- (Al-Anon Prayer)

Thursday, September 16, 2010

Backstage Pass

"The Son of Man is no lackey to the Sabbath; he's in charge."-- (Mat 12:8)

A few days ago I went to a concert to see one of my really closed friends perform.  The place was packed, in an attempt to avoid the crowd I tried to politely apologize from attending, and suggest to get together later.  My friend was clearly very disappointed and pleaded for me to attend specially that I am often out of the country and I haven't seen him perform since the band was still in its early stages.

I caved and promised to meet afterwards and share my feedback.  The concert was a huge success, and I did not realize how many fans my friends had.  There were large numbers of screaming fans singing along and dancing to their music.  That explained the number of security roaming around and guarding the exits to the place, in addition to assigned personnel just to make sure to keep the roaring fans from going backstage and "bother" the band.  

When the concert ended, I called my friend as agreed and I informed him of where I was standing along with another friend of mine next to one of the backstage doors.  It was a useless and some how funny to attempt convincing the securety guards that we are not some fans trying to go back stage but acutally we have been requested to come.  I am sure they were rolling their eyes in their heads and saying to themselves "that what you all say" J

Few moments later my friend the lead singer came outside to where we were standing and it became very obvious to the gurards that we were more than just some random acquaintance.  Shortly after congratulating my friend we gently denied his invitation to stay longer and join them at some after party gathering.  We headed out, the scene was different this time, the security guards were more friendly and smiling as they pointed us to the way out and they even wished us a good night. 

Today, I examen my heart and search my life and recognize my need to step closer into the glory of God.  It is a place that I can not force myself into.  I have to be invited to draw near.  I know I am not one of the great apostles, religious scholars or community leaders.  I am only a child (Mark 10:14) and perhaps with the criteria and judgement of some could be no better than the outsider Canaanite woman (Mat 15:22).  Yet, both the children and this outsider woman had courage to stand and hope for an exceptional/favored invitation to draw near to the Master.  

My own mind play a simlar role on me like those security guards at the concert, so do many in good faith take upon themselves the responsibility to plan the affairs of the Lord thinking that they are the ones who know what is acceptable and desirable to Him.

Yet, to my great joy and pleasure I know what those children and the outsider woman understood before me.  This powerful hero who dared the religious scholars and teachers of the law to heal, save, love and revive in his own time overruling the Sabbath; Satisfy the thirst of a Samaritan ignoring the eternal debate of tribal desputes of who worships God best.  

The unspoken secret was made known to the simple ones.  The one who even the storm and the wind at His beck and call (Mark 4:41), is more than willing and desiring to extend an exceptional and favored backstage invitation

Today, I know I am favored and precious.  I am accepted and welcomed to the full glory of The Almighty's very presence.

Tuesday, September 14, 2010

Keeping Promises - Rock-Solid-Guarantee!

"Spread for me a banquet of praise, serve High God a feast of kept promises"—(Psalm 50:14)

One of the most adorable charachtaristics and personality traits of my Higher Power that I so much adore is His Faithfulness, that "He doesn't break promises!" (Tit 1:2).  It is the corner stone of my security and safety that guarantee that I am going to see all my hopes, dreams and heart desires come to pass.  

I know that I am created in His image: a trusting, faithful being.  Yet perhaps it was through the broken promises of many adults and authority figures in my life, that "unfaithfulness" slowly worked itself into the patterns of my consciousness so I might start to believe that it was useless to hope/dream/want or desire anything because one way or another "promises" will find their way to be "broken". 

The path of Loving myself to Healing and to Wholeness, led me to start learning to trust again.  It took many disappointing, frustrating and defeating situations to break my ability to trust.  I learned today, that the painful lessons of a lifetime are not unlearned over night.  It takes time to "step out of the traffic" (Psalm 46:10) and learn new patterns of thinking, beliefs and attitudes. 

Today, I learned that the first step to changing an old habit is "Willingness".  Knowing that "Willingness doesn't give us the knowledge to solve the problem, but it may give us the energy to leave our isolation and seek out others with the knowledge.  It is the seed wanting to break through the soil to see the light of day, to be what it is meant to be." (from the meditation book "God Grant Me")

Today, I am learning that my reinstalled confidence to trust in my ability to be faithful and keep the promises I make to my Higher Power and to others start with my own faithfulness in keeping the promises I make to myself. 

Last week, and only after one day from arriving home for my first vacation in a long very tiring and exhausting working year.   A friend of mine asked me to accompany her on a road trip for a one day concert she is part of.  She was excited for us to spend time together and finally catch up.  I said Ok. Only to woke up the next day unsurprisingly, both very sleepy and extremely exhausted, not believing that I am still to go on a 6 hours bus ride with a bunch of screaming, raging teenagers, and then be present to support my friend and hear her sing.  I so much graved the quietness and comfortableness of my own bed.  And flirted with the idea of apologizing from this trip, I knew she might probably not be all that heart broken or devastated if I did not join after all her co-vocalist is her best friend and I was only invited because this concert kept cancelling itself over and over until I arrived.

Finally I dragged myself off bed,  knowing that I could very much probably be right that it is not necessary for me to go, but it was Important, for I have given my word.  And I am learning to be Faithful.  

I find that it is still a high risk situation and completely out of my comfort zone to be consciously willingly to subject myself to the risk of being rejected, disapproved of or blamed.  And it is much easer to send myself on an EGO trip and try to fix everyone's problem and be everything to everyone regardless of the consequences I bring on myself.  

I find myself automatically attempting to talk myself out of following the financial plan I set for myself, using all the deeply installed weapons of self destruction of guilting and shaming myself, wondering what really is the harm of taking another undesirable call from the collection officer, paying that insignificant delay fee and/or simply ignore depositing my savings for this month.  There is always a next month to stick to the plan!

Today, I am learning to listen carefully to the promises I made to myself, those of loving, honoring, cherishing, respecting, disciplining and taking care of me.

Today, I will ask my Higher Power's help to make my commitments and keep the promises I made to myself.  

Today, I know I am the Adult in my own life, and I am faithful. 

      "When God wanted to guarantee his promises, he gave his word, a rock-solid guarantee—" (Heb 6:17)

Saturday, September 11, 2010

My Jealous God

Therefore my people will know my name; therefore in that day they will know that it is I who foretold it.  
Yes, it is I." --- (Isaiah 52:6)

Yesterday my spiritual daughter picked me up in her new car and we went for a ride, we sat down and caught up on all that went on when I was away.  My focus was on one thing, my girl has a beautiful brand new car.  I knew her when she was still in her first intermediate years at school with her beautiful short green school dress.   I introduced her to a life with God, and she introduced me to the rest of her family.  Few months later her father passed away and all their life seem to have gone down the drain.  The father died of a sudden heart attack and they lost their money as well, they went from a well doing elite family to a powerless fatherless kids living with a housewife widow, depending on the stingy uncle.
I cried for days and nights over her and her family, over the injustice of this life, I often thought and prayed out loud, if their father was alive they were not to be in such need or have to go through such scarcity.  A few months ago she had to do a very critical operation and the stingy uncle (who owns a hospital by the way) was arguing the postponement of this operation so she could be transferred to a less skilled but cheaper doctor.  My heart was broken and devastated.
By the grace of God, right on time she had the best available doctor operate on her.  She recovered well, experienced the presence and company of God as never before.  And shortly after that, she got a promoted at her job and bought a pretty brand new car.

As I sat in tears giving praise and worship to God for his faithful provision and unfailing love that never forsakes nor leaves us.  I remembered my other friend, who had a fall out in a bad relationship with an unfaithful fellow who unfortunately was even her spiritual leader.  Left her on her own with an unwanted child and a family who comes from a strict background who would not hesitate to even kill her or at least expose her to shame and humiliation for the rest of her life.  The experience was a shock on so many levels, I broke down before God and started doubting all that claims to be righteous.  Till the pastor of her church took notice and took my friend into his home with his wife, introduced her to many options, and offered her the most proper and gracious help and support that not even her own family or friends could have ever done not even if the situation was different and legit.  She had an operation and seemed to have turned the leaf.  I was still practicing my own pattern of worrying how would she continue her life, even if this part seem to have been covered well, what is next, how can she be restored or experience the joy of redemption. 

A young faithful guy soon took notice of her, and expressed his interest to marry her.  She shared this with her Pastor who took liberty to meet with the guy and right upfront told him how much this young lady means to him and his wife, and she is family.  If this guy thinks he is worthy to treat her with honor and respect he has to prove that to them.   The guy grew more found of my friend he was told the whole story but by no means was it made sound as if she was defected and he would be as if doing her a favor.  But the Pastor was clear that this girl is precious and favored in the eyes of God and whoever to be with her would be greatly blessed. 
A grand wedding was held with honor and glory.  You could spot me from anywhere in the church hall, I was the one crying my eye balls out and praising God.  For the invitees I was "the wired black girlfriend of the bride" LOL :-D

I was reminded today of many other stories of my friend who was trapped in an abusive marriage with an addict who was the first man she ever knew and fell in love with.  She was stuck literally incapable to make a change.  I stood powerless myself, hands tight thinking God I can't even start thinking of a way out.  Only few months later my friend's addict husband unfortunately passed away, and my friend left the country, months and months later she fell in love with this amazing spiritual, kind and dedicated fellow, she got married and had a beautiful young kid.

Dozens of similar stories, make me stand today before my Higher Power wondering with Jeremiah and the popular song "Who can speak and have it happen if the Lord has not decreed it?" -- (Lamentations 3:37)
Today I examine my life and see all that seems to be dying, drying, stuck, irreversible, and/or impossible and I just stop, stand still and know that you, my Lord are God!
Today, I look at my country, my situations, my life, my family and friends and wonder: Does it seem impossible in this world economics to find the right job, the right house, the proper living? Does it seem too late to find the Right Partner? To have a Child? To make a Family? Does it seem out of this world to think of a debt free and prosperous life, no credit cards attached?
Today, I know that I am going to see God's favor in a greater way.

Today, I hear my Higher Power telling me Awake, awake, ... clothe yourself with strength. Put on your garments of splendor....  Shake off your dust; rise up, sit enthroned, ... Free yourself from the chains on your neck,... --- (Isaiah 52:1-3)

"No longer will they call you Deserted, or name your land Desolate. But you will be called Hephzibah, and your land Beulah; for the Lord will take delight in you, and your land will be married" --- (Isaiah 62:4)