Today I declare that I am going to see God's favor in a greater way, that new doors are going to begin to open for me, that super natural opportunities are coming my way, that God is setting up divine connections for me, that I am always at the right place at the right time, that I am going to overcome every obstacle and defeat every enemy, that I am going to see every dream and every desire that God has placed into my heart come to pass.



Today, I dedicate my life to truth, love, peace and happiness. To Non injury through thought, word or deed.

Spirit Flight

Spirit Flight

Saturday, December 18, 2010

My Christmas Present

"Glory to God in the heavenly heights, Peace to all men and women on earth who please him" Luke 2:14

Each year I will have a long list of things that I want /(expect) to have for Christmas; Though this list is no longer necessary marked as directed to Santa, but rather prepared for my Higher Power's attention.

Throughout the past months and specifically the past seven to be exact by the time I started this blog,  I was learning how to live life one day at a time and how to give up expectations as I came to learn they are (premeditated resentments) :-)).  I think somewhere along the journey I learned to stop planning, it was tough for me to know that there is a God and He is not me :-) that I can not plan everything in my life, and great part if not all of it of turning my will and my life over to the care of God, is to learn that I need to be open for other unexpected, unplanned things to land in my lap.  I need to learn to like surprises and not mind change, because my best thinking is what got me here; on my Knees praying for an Awakening of some sort, for a vision and to a path to find serenity, which I was searching fiercely for.  

I started my journey carrying a big sack on my shoulder that I didn't know it was there, and when I did, I didn't know how to put it down, and if I happened to know how, I didn't know how this would look like that I know I am burden free. Along with this big sack I had a wide tool bag of ineffective behaviors (used as coping mechanisms) wrapped around my waist.  

One of the big loads in my sack was my fear of being alone.  I wanted, I needed to belong.  One of the tools I picked from my waist bag was to lie about the severity of my wellbeing and fabricate behaviors, experiences and feelings that were not true in my life (as if it even the mess I had was not severe enough) for the sake of joining certain groups that form some sort of a bond over their specific common problems.  When my faking proved to be ineffective as I was still not part of that bond and I was still happy, I retrieved, seeking other means to control and manage my life and my burden. 

Another block in my sack was the compulsive need to feel right about what I was doing or what was happening in my life; I needed to make sense.  My ineffective behavioral tool was the compulsion to take quick decisions, to pick a side, choose a label and sticking with it no matter how evidents over time proved that to be untrue.  

Having had reached a bottom of exhaustion from carrying that heavy sack all around and used all my ineffective behavioral tools and yet the situation was the same.  I was ready to do the unthinkable.  Face my own demon; my biggest fear of abandonment.  I knew to get what I never had, I had to do something I never did.  I made a decision to abandon myself to the care of God as I understood him.  

Having been busy with this journey, living it, learning my lessons, praying my prayers, blogging about it, opening my wounds and exposing them so they get the air they need to dry and heal.  I forgot to do my Santa list. 

Today in particular I came home to an unexpected gift of Christmas one that I so much needed but never thought it is what I wanted so I could put it high on my list (typical both of me and my Higher Power).  

Today, I met a wise passionate person with whom I had a heart to heart conversations and he advised that I "should" seek solution in this "specific way".  
I listed with an open heart to what my new wise friend shared with me, considered it, did not commit to adopting his ideas and did not fight back and be defensive on why I choose not to commit that his suggestion is the "right solution".  I took it to my heart, I reflected on why I did not consider this solution though it has been offered to me before, without trying to find faults with me for not choosing that early then; and then considered the suggestion I heard from my friend, without the need to find faults with him for not seeing/understanding my reasons to not making a commitment to follow that suggestion.  

Today, I realized that I indeed came to acquired the precious gift of "patience" the skill of waiting till I know.  No panic attacks or anxious feelings or insane thoughts that I "Need" to exactly know how I feel about this situation and "Have to" decide on what to do about it. 

Today, I came to realize that I learned to live with acceptance; Accepting that I am who I am, I feel what I feel, and People are who they are and are entitled to their own beliefs, thoughts, discoveries, awakenings and behaviors.  

Today, I joyfully realized that my prayers for God to reveal to me what I need to change has been answered in a way.  I need to change how I listen without having a need to give a comfortable answer that fixes others lives.  Today I can hear suggestions and not feel a need to take a decision on how I feel about what heard or what action should I take instantly to reflect that.  Today, I need to change my need to have people see things, God, life, places and circumstances the way I see them.

Today, I learned that with all the focus I put on me and my journey with my Higher Power, the gift in my stocking is progress and not perfection; And I came to learn to celebrate that.  

Today, I stand here before you all, my Higher Power and myself, jumping of sheer and joy for I hit the jack box I got the Christmas present that was too big even for me to enlist among my list.  Behold, behold... I was granted Serenity and Sanity :-)). 

Merry Christmas to Us All...

Friday, December 10, 2010

Season's Inventory

Its the season for inventories.  I am getting ready to leave in 10 days; my shipping company asked me if they can pay a visit few days prior to the shipping date so they can look at my stuff and determine the right tools and materials to bring with for the packing.

Going through my stuff,  my books, my pictures... and the too many papers; posted and other scraps with quotes I heard or read somewhere, some are of favorite bible verses, lots of greeting cards from people I have known throughout my whole life, some have passed away, some we've lost touch and some who are just in a different place in our lives and our relationships, and some still make me smile because they are so true and some remind me of things I was going through then and still needed to hear and read today. 

I found this beautiful handwritten letter from someone who was my best friend for more than 10 years, she rarely talked or expressed herself fully, but I had no difficulty understanding, connecting or loving her.  She was and is one of the most beautiful spirits I have ever met.  The letter was sealed in a purple envelope "my favorite color" she has given it to me sometime before Christmas as I was travelling to stay in another country where I was going to spend Christmas, New Year's and my birthday and was even contemplating living in that country if all worked well for me.  The letter was; it was so beautiful expressed with so much love and joyful memories full of promises of more joyful adventures still to come; until there wasn't.  It brought tears to my eyes because this beautiful girl is no longer present in my life.  This memory was like Pandora's box that opened more wounds; it made me remember my grandmother with her big body sitting in the center of her bed with her two short silver curly braids and a smile on her face, whenever I came in burdened or disappointed, she would promise me that great goodness will come my way and she will live to see it.  Until she didn't.  

I sat then and there crying and grieving over what I lost, what I felt was stolen from me.  It was like going down the stairs to find a dungeon of a mysterious palace; where you see the truth of what really took place in that mystic place. I was there surrounded with dead dreams, crushed hopes and a broken heart.  As I allowed myself to grief and cry until I was quite, I continued going through my papers so I could finish and just climb into bed and silently go to sleep with a sad and freshly opened wound.  When I found then a piece of paper torn from some notebook that didn't look even like it was one of mine.  It had four lines written in it:
"Prayers depend on God's Goodness... unless God cares for me.. prayers are useless!
Praise depends on God's Faithfulness... unless God can always be trusted, there is no reason to praise Him!
Joy depends on God's Justice... unless God rights all wrong, there is no reason to exalt!
Therefore, no matter what happens in life, there is reason to be joyful; God promises that His Justice will prevail... I can take that to the bank; He is Good; He can be Trusted; and He will bring Justice"

I don't know where did I hear or read that, but I am glad I wrote it down.  It was like finding a hidden button in that dark dungeon and pressed it and there it was a secret door that opened, leading to a secret passage, to another place more bright that has the promises of change, freedom, goodness and better ending.  Just when I thought I unveiled the unfair/ugly face and truth of what life was all about; that nothing lasts forever; Relationships break; loved ones die; Scripted future have a way to not come to life; disease and old age steals dreams of motherhood and child birth; death steals the desired hopes that our children would one day have the happy memories with their extended family like we did, is no longer an option because they simply no longer exist.  

There is a saying that "People can never change the truth; but Truth can change people".  My loss was real and  true, but the other truth was right there staring me back in the face, one that bear witness of my Higher Power's nature and characteristics.  A truth that helped that did not only change my feelings, lifted my spirit but also generated hope into my life.  

Today, I realize that this season as it marks an end and a beginning in my life and my calendar; I have a choice, and 've been granted a gift to not see it as a season of Empty Womb.. but to exalt and rejoice in the true promises of God's words that makes it a season of an Empty Tomb.. where the dead has risen!

Today, I see the change in my life with all that have passed and all that is still unrealized, not as a time to wail but an invitation to rejoice gazing at the glory to come, which is so bright... it blinds the eye!