"Spread for me a
banquet of praise, serve High God a feast of kept promises"—(Psalm 50:14)
One of the most adorable
charachtaristics and personality traits of my Higher Power that I so much adore
is His Faithfulness, that "He doesn't break promises!" (Tit 1:2). It
is the corner stone of my security and safety that guarantee that I am going to
see all my hopes, dreams and heart desires come to pass.
I know that I am created in
His image: a trusting, faithful being. Yet perhaps it was through the
broken promises of many adults and authority figures in my life, that
"unfaithfulness" slowly worked itself into the patterns of
my consciousness so I might start to believe that it was useless to
hope/dream/want or desire anything because one way or another
"promises" will find their way to be "broken".
The path of Loving myself to
Healing and to Wholeness, led me to start learning to trust again. It
took many disappointing, frustrating and defeating situations to break my
ability to trust. I learned today, that the painful lessons of a lifetime
are not unlearned over night. It takes time to "step out of
the traffic" (Psalm 46:10) and learn new patterns of
thinking, beliefs and attitudes.
Today, I learned that the
first step to changing an old habit is "Willingness". Knowing
that "Willingness doesn't give us the knowledge to solve the
problem, but it may give us the energy to leave our isolation and seek out
others with the knowledge. It is the seed wanting to break through
the soil to see the light of day, to be what it is meant to be." (from the
meditation book "God Grant Me")
Today, I am learning that my
reinstalled confidence to trust in my ability to be faithful and keep the
promises I make to my Higher Power and to others start with my own faithfulness
in keeping the promises I make to myself.
Last week, and only after
one day from arriving home for my first vacation in a long very tiring and
exhausting working year. A friend of mine asked me to accompany her on a
road trip for a one day concert she is part of. She was excited for us to
spend time together and finally catch up. I said Ok. Only to woke up the
next day unsurprisingly, both very sleepy and extremely exhausted, not
believing that I am still to go on a 6 hours bus ride with a bunch of
screaming, raging teenagers, and then be present to support my friend and hear
her sing. I so much graved the quietness and comfortableness of my
own bed. And flirted with the idea of apologizing from this trip, I knew
she might probably not be all that heart broken or devastated if I did not join
after all her co-vocalist is her best friend and I was only invited because
this concert kept cancelling itself over and over until I arrived.
Finally I dragged myself off
bed, knowing that I could very much probably be right that it is not
necessary for me to go, but it was Important, for I have given my word.
And I am learning to be Faithful.
I find that it is still a
high risk situation and completely out of my comfort zone to be consciously
willingly to subject myself to the risk of being rejected, disapproved of or
blamed. And it is much easer to send myself on an EGO trip and try to fix
everyone's problem and be everything to everyone regardless of the consequences
I bring on myself.
I find myself automatically
attempting to talk myself out of following the financial plan I set for
myself, using all the deeply installed weapons of self destruction
of guilting and shaming myself, wondering what really is the harm of
taking another undesirable call from the collection officer, paying that
insignificant delay fee and/or simply ignore depositing my savings for this
month. There is always a next month to stick to the plan!
Today, I am learning to
listen carefully to the promises I made to myself, those of loving, honoring,
cherishing, respecting, disciplining and taking care of me.
Today, I will ask my Higher
Power's help to make my commitments and keep the promises I made to
myself.
Today, I know I am the Adult
in my own life, and I am faithful.
"When God wanted to guarantee his
promises, he gave his word, a rock-solid guarantee—" (Heb 6:17)
