"Spread for me a banquet of praise, serve High God a feast of kept promises"—(Psalm 50:14)
One of the most adorable charachtaristics and personality traits of my Higher Power that I so much adore is His Faithfulness, that "He doesn't break promises!" (Tit 1:2). It is the corner stone of my security and safety that guarantee that I am going to see all my hopes, dreams and heart desires come to pass.
I know that I am created in His image: a trusting, faithful being. Yet perhaps it was through the broken promises of many adults and authority figures in my life, that "unfaithfulness" slowly worked itself into the patterns of my consciousness so I might start to believe that it was useless to hope/dream/want or desire anything because one way or another "promises" will find their way to be "broken".
The path of Loving myself to Healing and to Wholeness, led me to start learning to trust again. It took many disappointing, frustrating and defeating situations to break my ability to trust. I learned today, that the painful lessons of a lifetime are not unlearned over night. It takes time to "step out of the traffic" (Psalm 46:10) and learn new patterns of thinking, beliefs and attitudes.
Today, I learned that the first step to changing an old habit is "Willingness". Knowing that "Willingness doesn't give us the knowledge to solve the problem, but it may give us the energy to leave our isolation and seek out others with the knowledge. It is the seed wanting to break through the soil to see the light of day, to be what it is meant to be." (from the meditation book "God Grant Me")
Today, I am learning that my reinstalled confidence to trust in my ability to be faithful and keep the promises I make to my Higher Power and to others start with my own faithfulness in keeping the promises I make to myself.
Last week, and only after one day from arriving home for my first vacation in a long very tiring and exhausting working year. A friend of mine asked me to accompany her on a road trip for a one day concert she is part of. She was excited for us to spend time together and finally catch up. I said Ok. Only to woke up the next day unsurprisingly, both very sleepy and extremely exhausted, not believing that I am still to go on a 6 hours bus ride with a bunch of screaming, raging teenagers, and then be present to support my friend and hear her sing. I so much graved the quietness and comfortableness of my own bed. And flirted with the idea of apologizing from this trip, I knew she might probably not be all that heart broken or devastated if I did not join after all her co-vocalist is her best friend and I was only invited because this concert kept cancelling itself over and over until I arrived.
Finally I dragged myself off bed, knowing that I could very much probably be right that it is not necessary for me to go, but it was Important, for I have given my word. And I am learning to be Faithful.
I find that it is still a high risk situation and completely out of my comfort zone to be consciously willingly to subject myself to the risk of being rejected, disapproved of or blamed. And it is much easer to send myself on an EGO trip and try to fix everyone's problem and be everything to everyone regardless of the consequences I bring on myself.
I find myself automatically attempting to talk myself out of following the financial plan I set for myself, using all the deeply installed weapons of self destruction of guilting and shaming myself, wondering what really is the harm of taking another undesirable call from the collection officer, paying that insignificant delay fee and/or simply ignore depositing my savings for this month. There is always a next month to stick to the plan!
Today, I am learning to listen carefully to the promises I made to myself, those of loving, honoring, cherishing, respecting, disciplining and taking care of me.
Today, I will ask my Higher Power's help to make my commitments and keep the promises I made to myself.
Today, I know I am the Adult in my own life, and I am faithful.
"When God wanted to guarantee his promises, he gave his word, a rock-solid guarantee—" (Heb 6:17)