Figuring It Out With The Inner Joseph

Joseph, chagrined but noble, determined to take care of things quietly so Mary would not be disgraced. While he was trying to figure a way out, he had a dream. God's angel spoke in the dream: "Joseph, son of David, don't hesitate to get married"... -- Mat 1: 19 - 20 


I was talking with a friend of mine the other day on commitment issues, and his first natural response was "no one willingly runs to be imprisoned".  We debated the sense of being committed to a relationship, or a job or a vision and how it depends on how long we have been at the other end that with time we start realizing that we all want to have stable, sustainable commitments, we are only worried to make the wrong choices; We are Afraid! 


I thought about a proper prayer for commitment and the story of Joseph and Mary came to mind, He was noble, yet that did not contradict the fact that he is human.  He got cold feet, it wasn't fear of responsibility, it was new data being sprinkled on him; It was the fact that suddenly it seemed that he might be about to bite more than he could chew; He does love Mary but with the idea of a baby (let alone one that she claims was "supernaturally" conceived).  I believe he was facing that moment of fight or flight and obviously his guts was telling him that flight was not a very bad option. 


Fear of commitment can take many forms, shapes and sizes, with fears of relationships, marriage, being good parents, good employers or employees... that still shakes us to the core.  


I confess I have a severe flight tendencies, I don't want to be hurt and in my mind my flight is rationalized by my selfless, considerate attempt to not be a source of disappointment and hurt  another, which are in themselves carry fatal elements that are doomed to sabotage any equation.  


I came to learn that it is only normal for us to fear new beginnings, things, people and see them as a dangerous territory.  Today, I am coming to accept the simple fact that in many areas of my life I simply need to accept that it is OK to "feel" and be  afraid as I am trying a brand new approach into life, people, places and things.  


Today, I am also coming to realize and acknowledge that "feelings are not facts"; For most of the "unnatural; weird; new; foreign" changes that are being introduced to my life do not necessary mean that they are wrong; Just because they differ from the perfect set up I had in mind that doesn't mean it is not the right one for me!


Today, I am learning to look differently at my FEAR and see it as a doorway to many choices that might have variable effects on my life; Today I have the opportunity to take a decision to either "Fear ($#@%) Everything And Run" or "Face Everything and Recover".  


Today, I am learning to take a deep breath and as I am figuring things out with my inner Joseph, I make a conscious choice to let myself be vulnerable and present, willing and ready to hear that Angel's voice to not fear taking that step and making that commitment!

It's Already in the Bag

God promises to provide us with the desires of our hearts -- Phillipians 4:19 John 15:7 Psalm 37:4-5


All books that speak of the ability to heal your life, and the power of positive thinking concludes that "If you can imagine it... it can happen to you". 


I was talking to my God daughter about why there are some areas in my life that seem to be lacking, while there is this other area that always seem to pick up and flourish despite of how many times it falls flat on its belly.  


Like me and work for instance.  How many times, have I changed jobs, and the economy in each time seems to be going from bad to worse, and despite the fears, concerns and warnings of many around me, things just pick up and for the better also.  I again find exactly what I am looking for in the exact shape, size and form and often exceeds my expectations. 


I wanted to get to the bottom of this, so I started exploring this idea further with my friend and breakdown the facts in hand.  So, I found that when it comes to work I do have a faith in God's promise that He is my provider; He provides and will continue to provide for me.  Therefore, no matter how things seem to go south at times and how many times I try and fail I just move on quietly to the next best thing, to purse that person, attend that meeting or write that e-mail, till the bait is caught and I find that I finally caught that fish I was looking for. 


The question within me was WHY?? then I seem to be having a harder time making peace and breaking bread when it comes to other things, relationships for instance! Why do the disappointments seems greater.  Why every time I seem closer to finding "The One", and I find it to be defective or I get hurt,  my heart goes sick and I instantly and instinctively withdraw and feel disappointed with God.  


I don't know about you, but it takes me a long time before I put myself out there again to try and as time goes by I grow more in fear that I am doomed for disappointment.  


Hence was my question; Why is my approach and attitude towards relationships and some other things in my life is so different than my attitude towards work?!  


I came to see that, when it comes to work and money, I developed this blind trust that God will provide, and I had faith that He does not take pleasure in seeing me in "Want"; Not only this but further I found that I believe that He already provided and its just a matter of me finding those "good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do" Ephesians 2:10. 

It's like a game where certain items are put in a large bag and you were asked to "go fishing" so you put in your hand, to touch and feel till you come out with the right item.  


I came to learn that the answer to my question was that with Work and money, I already figured this out, I confidently knew that the item was "In the Bag" so I just put in my hand and search for it, and if I came out with the wrong item, I say that this is OK, and I put my hand back in the bag and keep searching.  


Today, I came to believe that so is the case with all the other areas of my life.  I needed to be reminded that "All Items were already In The Bag".  And all I need to do is put my hand in and search; Sometimes I find what I am looking for from the first time, and that is what some call luck my dear friend :-)


I happen to know that I am not alone in this, in more times than I could count, everyone seems to share my experience, were we put our hands and seem to often come out with the wrong thing, or may be worse we get pinched by some sharp edged item and it hurts or may be injured; If we are confident that what we are looking for is still there.. all we need to do is go ahead, say that ouch, suck the blood,  and put back our hands in that deep bag till we find "the one", which feels right!


I came to learn that the answer lays within me, I just needed to dig deeper to find it.  The question was not directed to the void, the Universe or to my Higher Power.  It a question that needs to be directed to me alone, and only me can choose the answer to it.  Do I believe that my Higher Power is kind, honest and caring who does not set me up for disappointment?  Or do I function out of doubt and fear, filled with suspicion acting as if its some sort of a cruel game where I am sent out in a fishing expedition to look for something that was never placed in the bag to begin with?!!  Once, I have my answer, the rest is clear, more simple and makes the journey less painful and more interestingly comfortable.  


"Don't quit 5 minutes before the miracle happens" Anonymous 

The Healing Sting

If you want to forget all your other troubles, wear too tight shoes.  ~The Houghton Line, November 1965


I have watched too many movies (perhaps even for my own good) where people get amnesia after suffering a head trauma, and miraculously they seem to manage to fall somehow again from those long stairs or have a Chandler fall on their head or have some sort of severe accident where they regain their memory back.  I thought that is just too redundant and fake to even have a slim margin of truth.  


Then, I came to learn about other sorts of amnesia, its the kind that we choose to grant ourselves after suffering some sort of a soul troubling trauma; I learn the technical term for that is "Denial".  


I came to know a lot of people who love so much, that they can't believe their loved one is troubled, defected, dangerous, cheating or just gone.  I learned that the traumas of broken dreams and shattered heart desires that all our lives seem to have been weaved around like a spider web, could not easily be accepted like a fall of leaf and one moves on whole and sane.  Yet, sanity is required, it is something that we could sense it's loss, it manifests in flying color when it is absent, it becomes symptoms, it leads to crossing roads, to moments of truth, to therapy, to a doctor visit, a phone call or a simple question we plead our dear lives to never have to ask. 


Then there comes the truth, "The Truth that sets us Free".  Our loved one has died, have left the building, have chosen to remain absent from our family pictures.  We take the call, we hear the words and just like another fall from a high building or some shelves broken on our heads... we regain our consciousness knowledge of our truth.  In a fraction of a second we start to know for sure down in our souls it is "The Truth".   It releases the ache and open the path to living again; It is the only way to start truly living from the heart, breathing from our stomach, stop fighting and cramping, slowly we get to regain our sense of smell and the memories attached to tastes rushes right back.  Yet "it hurts like a brand new shoes" like the song of India Arie.  


I lost many dear ones over the course of my life, at some point I started to grief, yet the most recent loss was coming face to face with seeing a loved one's soul and loving interaction fades.  The body is there, it is worm, touchable, but as the medics get to explain it; It is the only thing that is hear.  The person you used to know, is no longer inside.  


It is hard when you know that you are in mourning, yet you can't wear black or visit a grave.  It is a silent, longer, more sensitive and lonely path to walk.    Yet, it starts the moment your soul sinks deep into your stomach and you know what you just heard is true.  
The shock is real, the pain is real, the anger is real, but also the healing loving acceptance is also real.  


Today, I am wearing a very tight shoes, my soul feels like as if it is walking funny.  Today, I choose to limp my way through the dark tunnel of grief, hoping to see the light at the other side, when I could make peace with the fact that what I once loved is gone and is no longer available for me, yet I know this is only part of the truth, and only the whole truth is the one that "Sets me Free"; Today I know that once I had love available to me before it is gone it was mine and it staid and it held my hands.  And now, I can learn one day at a time to open my hands and let go.  


Today, I hope that as I walk around with empty hands, I meet some divine loving ones that holds tight to mine. 

My Christmas Present

"Glory to God in the heavenly heights, Peace to all men and women on earth who please him" Luke 2:14


Each year I will have a long list of things that I want /(expect) to have for Christmas; Though this list is no longer necessary marked as directed to Santa, but rather prepared for my Higher Power's attention.


Throughout the past months and specifically the past seven to be exact by the time I started this blog,  I was learning how to live life one day at a time and how to give up expectations as I came to learn they are (premeditated resentments) :-)).  I think somewhere along the journey I learned to stop planning, it was tough for me to know that there is a God and He is not me :-) that I can not plan everything in my life, and great part if not all of it of turning my will and my life over to the care of God, is to learn that I need to be open for other unexpected, unplanned things to land in my lap.  I need to learn to like surprises and not mind change, because my best thinking is what got me here; on my Knees praying for an Awakening of some sort, for a vision and to a path to find serenity, which I was searching fiercely for.  


I started my journey carrying a big sack on my shoulder that I didn't know it was there, and when I did, I didn't know how to put it down, and if I happened to know how, I didn't know how this would look like that I know I am burden free. Along with this big sack I had a wide tool bag of ineffective behaviors (used as coping mechanisms) wrapped around my waist.  


One of the big loads in my sack was my fear of being alone.  I wanted, I needed to belong.  One of the tools I picked from my waist bag was to lie about the severity of my wellbeing and fabricate behaviors, experiences and feelings that were not true in my life (as if it even the mess I had was not severe enough) for the sake of joining certain groups that form some sort of a bond over their specific common problems.  When my faking proved to be ineffective as I was still not part of that bond and I was still happy, I retrieved, seeking other means to control and manage my life and my burden. 


Another block in my sack was the compulsive need to feel right about what I was doing or what was happening in my life; I needed to make sense.  My ineffective behavioral tool was the compulsion to take quick decisions, to pick a side, choose a label and sticking with it no matter how evidents over time proved that to be untrue.  


Having had reached a bottom of exhaustion from carrying that heavy sack all around and used all my ineffective behavioral tools and yet the situation was the same.  I was ready to do the unthinkable.  Face my own demon; my biggest fear of abandonment.  I knew to get what I never had, I had to do something I never did.  I made a decision to abandon myself to the care of God as I understood him.  


Having been busy with this journey, living it, learning my lessons, praying my prayers, blogging about it, opening my wounds and exposing them so they get the air they need to dry and heal.  I forgot to do my Santa list. 


Today in particular I came home to an unexpected gift of Christmas one that I so much needed but never thought it is what I wanted so I could put it high on my list (typical both of me and my Higher Power).  


Today, I met a wise passionate person with whom I had a heart to heart conversations and he advised that I "should" seek solution in this "specific way".  
I listed with an open heart to what my new wise friend shared with me, considered it, did not commit to adopting his ideas and did not fight back and be defensive on why I choose not to commit that his suggestion is the "right solution".  I took it to my heart, I reflected on why I did not consider this solution though it has been offered to me before, without trying to find faults with me for not choosing that early then; and then considered the suggestion I heard from my friend, without the need to find faults with him for not seeing/understanding my reasons to not making a commitment to follow that suggestion.  


Today, I realized that I indeed came to acquired the precious gift of "patience" the skill of waiting till I know.  No panic attacks or anxious feelings or insane thoughts that I "Need" to exactly know how I feel about this situation and "Have to" decide on what to do about it. 


Today, I came to realize that I learned to live with acceptance; Accepting that I am who I am, I feel what I feel, and People are who they are and are entitled to their own beliefs, thoughts, discoveries, awakenings and behaviors.  


Today, I joyfully realized that my prayers for God to reveal to me what I need to change has been answered in a way.  I need to change how I listen without having a need to give a comfortable answer that fixes others lives.  Today I can hear suggestions and not feel a need to take a decision on how I feel about what heard or what action should I take instantly to reflect that.  Today, I need to change my need to have people see things, God, life, places and circumstances the way I see them.


Today, I learned that with all the focus I put on me and my journey with my Higher Power, the gift in my stocking is progress and not perfection; And I came to learn to celebrate that.  


Today, I stand here before you all, my Higher Power and myself, jumping of sheer and joy for I hit the jack box I got the Christmas present that was too big even for me to enlist among my list.  Behold, behold... I was granted Serenity and Sanity :-)). 


Merry Christmas to Us All...

Season's Inventory

Its the season for inventories.  I am getting ready to leave in 10 days; my shipping company asked me if they can pay a visit few days prior to the shipping date so they can look at my stuff and determine the right tools and materials to bring with for the packing.


Going through my stuff,  my books, my pictures... and the too many papers; posted and other scraps with quotes I heard or read somewhere, some are of favorite bible verses, lots of greeting cards from people I have known throughout my whole life, some have passed away, some we've lost touch and some who are just in a different place in our lives and our relationships, and some still make me smile because they are so true and some remind me of things I was going through then and still needed to hear and read today. 


I found this beautiful handwritten letter from someone who was my best friend for more than 10 years, she rarely talked or expressed herself fully, but I had no difficulty understanding, connecting or loving her.  She was and is one of the most beautiful spirits I have ever met.  The letter was sealed in a purple envelope "my favorite color" she has given it to me sometime before Christmas as I was travelling to stay in another country where I was going to spend Christmas, New Year's and my birthday and was even contemplating living in that country if all worked well for me.  The letter was; it was so beautiful expressed with so much love and joyful memories full of promises of more joyful adventures still to come; until there wasn't.  It brought tears to my eyes because this beautiful girl is no longer present in my life.  This memory was like Pandora's box that opened more wounds; it made me remember my grandmother with her big body sitting in the center of her bed with her two short silver curly braids and a smile on her face, whenever I came in burdened or disappointed, she would promise me that great goodness will come my way and she will live to see it.  Until she didn't.  


I sat then and there crying and grieving over what I lost, what I felt was stolen from me.  It was like going down the stairs to find a dungeon of a mysterious palace; where you see the truth of what really took place in that mystic place. I was there surrounded with dead dreams, crushed hopes and a broken heart.  As I allowed myself to grief and cry until I was quite, I continued going through my papers so I could finish and just climb into bed and silently go to sleep with a sad and freshly opened wound.  When I found then a piece of paper torn from some notebook that didn't look even like it was one of mine.  It had four lines written in it:
"Prayers depend on God's Goodness... unless God cares for me.. prayers are useless!
Praise depends on God's Faithfulness... unless God can always be trusted, there is no reason to praise Him!
Joy depends on God's Justice... unless God rights all wrong, there is no reason to exalt!
Therefore, no matter what happens in life, there is reason to be joyful; God promises that His Justice will prevail... I can take that to the bank; He is Good; He can be Trusted; and He will bring Justice"


I don't know where did I hear or read that, but I am glad I wrote it down.  It was like finding a hidden button in that dark dungeon and pressed it and there it was a secret door that opened, leading to a secret passage, to another place more bright that has the promises of change, freedom, goodness and better ending.  Just when I thought I unveiled the unfair/ugly face and truth of what life was all about; that nothing lasts forever; Relationships break; loved ones die; Scripted future have a way to not come to life; disease and old age steals dreams of motherhood and child birth; death steals the desired hopes that our children would one day have the happy memories with their extended family like we did, is no longer an option because they simply no longer exist.  


There is a saying that "People can never change the truth; but Truth can change people".  My loss was real and  true, but the other truth was right there staring me back in the face, one that bear witness of my Higher Power's nature and characteristics.  A truth that helped that did not only change my feelings, lifted my spirit but also generated hope into my life.  


Today, I realize that this season as it marks an end and a beginning in my life and my calendar; I have a choice, and 've been granted a gift to not see it as a season of Empty Womb.. but to exalt and rejoice in the true promises of God's words that makes it a season of an Empty Tomb.. where the dead has risen!


Today, I see the change in my life with all that have passed and all that is still unrealized, not as a time to wail but an invitation to rejoice gazing at the glory to come, which is so bright... it blinds the eye!  

I am Seen.. I am Desired

"I paid a huge price for you: all of Egypt, with rich Cush and Seba thrown in!
That's how much you mean to me! That's how much I love you! I'd sell off the whole world to get you back, trade the creation just for you." (Isaiah 43:4)


Early today, and I mean like really early before 4:00 a.m. I woke up in one of my spirit heated prayers episodes.  I call them episodes because for some reason in certain seasons I find myself up and about regardless of how late I went to bed or how well I am physically feeling, heated with prayers with a burdening load on my chest that won't go away until my spirit feels some sort of a resolution and answer to whatever issue lifted in my prayers.  
My best friend and my sister calls this time the shift changing time in the spiritual realm; she gets up herself sometime at this hour to dedicate the day to God and declare him as her Higher Power over the course of her day.  
I am not sure where she got that from, but I like it.. it reminds me of the scene in the movie "The City of Angels" when all the Angels used to gather from all around to witness sunrise saying that it makes a magnificent sound that only they "Angels" could hear and they give praise at that time. 


So, in my shift changing time, I was feeling darkness all around not only in my room but inside me that have filled me with feelings of fear, disorientation and confusion.  I started lifting up my eyes to where my help comes from (Psalm 121:1) and this temporarily moment of darkness made me reflect on other periods of darkness in my life.  I was reminded of a one dark moment in my life filled with despair, destitute and pity; seeing myself abandoned by "man" and felt no hope that things will ever get bettered, I decided to end my life.  Yes, I did!  With the grace of God, my life was preserved, with no significant damage whatsoever, except to the heart of my God apparently!  


I felt the face of my loving God looking down at me, reminding me in HIS loving voice, "I've redeemed you. I've called your name. You're mine." (Isaiah 43:1).  Though I am a particle in this wide earth, in the galaxy and in the creation, my Higher Power has spotted me, SEEN me, and Loved me, HE Desired and Wanted me.  HE knew that being in this falling wold I was to perish if I am left to follow my choices and those made of my ancestors before me.  HE Wanted Life for Me and WORKED for it, with a living, perfect, pure and holy sacrifice; so that I may not perish but Live! (John 3:16)
The longing loving spot in my Higher Power's heart did not allow me to go and lay in the ground with those before me deceived by a lie that says-- I am not Loved! feeling rejected by humans.  


In our modern day, when we people work for the Government and taxes we say working for the man!  In that moment of honesty in my shift changing prayer time I saw how I lived, worked for and was fooled and manipulated by the man.  The Man in the world form of what we think is "In Control" and "In Charge" to grant us acceptance, approval and love; deciding on our success and failures.  


In this deep moment of unity with my God in spirit I was reminded of the sweetest voice of my best friend and sister and the twin of my soul, asking me to pray for her so she can feel the self acceptance and approval she deserves!!  My spirit shouted with drums and noise, knowing the special truth my Higher Power lovingly wanted to share with me at this so early hour in the morning.  


Today, I declare the WILL of my Higher Power over my life; Do not die with the lie, but live with the truth that "I am God, You Personal God... Your Savior" (Isaiah 43:3)


Today, I attend to the bride of the throne with oil of myrrh and sweet odors for Her preparation to stand pure and without wrinkle before the Groom (Esther 2:12); with only tears of longing and gratitude, wearing their crowns of pride and dignity with HIS love banner over them, giving themselves to the Groom accepting HIS long awaiting invitation to join HIM in eternal living.  


Today, I blog, for "I didn't die. I lived! And now I'm telling the world what God did." (Psalm 118:17)

The Sign-Posted Path

Isa 26:8  "We're in no hurry, GOD. We're content to linger in the path sign-posted with your decisions. Who you are and what you've done are all we'll ever want."


"Coincidences are miracles in which God chooses to remain anonymous." (AA 12 Steps Slogan)


My very good friend has a degree in children education and she has a personal passion for working among children.  She works in a good reputable cancer care major institution in an administrative position.  Though she loves the place, she shared with me several times how she wishes to get involved in a ministry that involves children in which she can combine her educational background, her work expertise and her passion together.  She explored many ways to achieve this but no door seems to open.  We encouraged each other several times sharing our visions and heart desires for our lives.  
She wrote me an e-mail the other week sharing how she went to this work function and as she was mingling and making conversations as her wonderful lovely self she bumped into this lady and they developed a connection over the conversation, she casually shared about her background and her passion and then realized she had to leave as she was excusing herself the lady told her that she worked at the Pediatric ward and might be interested to see how my friend could get involved, my friend was as always pleased with that and was exchanging contact details in a hurry, as she had no pen and paper to get the lady's info she took a picture of her badge.  As my friend sat in her car driving back she looked into the information details to record them in her phone and she realized she had actually talked to the Director of the Pediatric Division.  
How about that!! She stopped her car with an urge to pray and give thanks to God and as she lifted her eyes to the sky she saw that she was standing next to a big billboard sign that said "God Listens!"


Recently, I have been seeing signs on my own road.  A conversation I had with a friend revealed to me that not going to that trip I was longing for last week was actually a big blessing because I needed to learn more on the people I was meeting.  Haven't I seen the other sides of the picture might have had a significant affect on my enjoyment of the trip.  


I also came to learn that though I had made no personal plans or expectation on how to spend my vacation a dear friend of mine was putting together good plans to introduce me to people I might enjoy and places I might be interested to see.  


An e-mail from a one time acquaintance I have made contact with four years ago in my career search, showed me that I am remembered.  When approached by people looking for professionals to take part in their new project he remembered me and found my CV and forwarded it to them.  Not knowing where I am today in my life, and if I was even looking or would be interested to change jobs.  
I expressed my gratitude to this nice person and told him that indeed I am reaching the end of my contract in the Gulf and moving back home and I am looking and interested to find a suitable career opportunity.  


Then before I could recover from this pleasant "coincident" I got another e-mail from another friend sharing on some other foundation working in the same area of interest that I am passionate about.  


Though, I am still to make that trip, meet all sorts of people, visit places or just sit peacefully reading a book or watching a movie, and knowing that I might or might not be contacted for that career opportunity I find amazing.  I find myself filled with Awe! staring mentally at the same highway sign as my friend reading "God Listens!".


Today, I learn to interpret those signs to read a kind message from my Higher Power telling me "Dear Child, I do not need your help today, thanks--God" (12 Steps Slogan)


Today, I learn to let go of my need to be worried, anxious, upset and hurried.  Today, I choose to trust my Higher Power to be my utmost Advocate.  


Today, I learn that my Higher Power does not need my help to take care of me and bring me the the future I hope for. (Jeremiah 29:11)

Today, I Let go and Let God.  Today, I take a decision to turn my will, my life and my circumstances over to the care of God as I understand him.