If you want to forget all your other troubles, wear too tight shoes. ~The Houghton Line, November 1965
I have watched too many movies (perhaps even for my own good) where people get amnesia after suffering a head trauma, and miraculously they seem to manage to fall somehow again from those long stairs or have a Chandler fall on their head or have some sort of severe accident where they regain their memory back. I thought that is just too redundant and fake to even have a slim margin of truth.
Then, I came to learn about other sorts of amnesia, its the kind that we choose to grant ourselves after suffering some sort of a soul troubling trauma; I learn the technical term for that is "Denial".
I came to know a lot of people who love so much, that they can't believe their loved one is troubled, defected, dangerous, cheating or just gone. I learned that the traumas of broken dreams and shattered heart desires that all our lives seem to have been weaved around like a spider web, could not easily be accepted like a fall of leaf and one moves on whole and sane. Yet, sanity is required, it is something that we could sense it's loss, it manifests in flying color when it is absent, it becomes symptoms, it leads to crossing roads, to moments of truth, to therapy, to a doctor visit, a phone call or a simple question we plead our dear lives to never have to ask.
Then there comes the truth, "The Truth that sets us Free". Our loved one has died, have left the building, have chosen to remain absent from our family pictures. We take the call, we hear the words and just like another fall from a high building or some shelves broken on our heads... we regain our consciousness knowledge of our truth. In a fraction of a second we start to know for sure down in our souls it is "The Truth". It releases the ache and open the path to living again; It is the only way to start truly living from the heart, breathing from our stomach, stop fighting and cramping, slowly we get to regain our sense of smell and the memories attached to tastes rushes right back. Yet "it hurts like a brand new shoes" like the song of India Arie.
I lost many dear ones over the course of my life, at some point I started to grief, yet the most recent loss was coming face to face with seeing a loved one's soul and loving interaction fades. The body is there, it is worm, touchable, but as the medics get to explain it; It is the only thing that is hear. The person you used to know, is no longer inside.
It is hard when you know that you are in mourning, yet you can't wear black or visit a grave. It is a silent, longer, more sensitive and lonely path to walk. Yet, it starts the moment your soul sinks deep into your stomach and you know what you just heard is true.
The shock is real, the pain is real, the anger is real, but also the healing loving acceptance is also real.
Today, I am wearing a very tight shoes, my soul feels like as if it is walking funny. Today, I choose to limp my way through the dark tunnel of grief, hoping to see the light at the other side, when I could make peace with the fact that what I once loved is gone and is no longer available for me, yet I know this is only part of the truth, and only the whole truth is the one that "Sets me Free"; Today I know that once I had love available to me before it is gone it was mine and it staid and it held my hands. And now, I can learn one day at a time to open my hands and let go.
Today, I hope that as I walk around with empty hands, I meet some divine loving ones that holds tight to mine.
I have watched too many movies (perhaps even for my own good) where people get amnesia after suffering a head trauma, and miraculously they seem to manage to fall somehow again from those long stairs or have a Chandler fall on their head or have some sort of severe accident where they regain their memory back. I thought that is just too redundant and fake to even have a slim margin of truth.
Then, I came to learn about other sorts of amnesia, its the kind that we choose to grant ourselves after suffering some sort of a soul troubling trauma; I learn the technical term for that is "Denial".
I came to know a lot of people who love so much, that they can't believe their loved one is troubled, defected, dangerous, cheating or just gone. I learned that the traumas of broken dreams and shattered heart desires that all our lives seem to have been weaved around like a spider web, could not easily be accepted like a fall of leaf and one moves on whole and sane. Yet, sanity is required, it is something that we could sense it's loss, it manifests in flying color when it is absent, it becomes symptoms, it leads to crossing roads, to moments of truth, to therapy, to a doctor visit, a phone call or a simple question we plead our dear lives to never have to ask.
Then there comes the truth, "The Truth that sets us Free". Our loved one has died, have left the building, have chosen to remain absent from our family pictures. We take the call, we hear the words and just like another fall from a high building or some shelves broken on our heads... we regain our consciousness knowledge of our truth. In a fraction of a second we start to know for sure down in our souls it is "The Truth". It releases the ache and open the path to living again; It is the only way to start truly living from the heart, breathing from our stomach, stop fighting and cramping, slowly we get to regain our sense of smell and the memories attached to tastes rushes right back. Yet "it hurts like a brand new shoes" like the song of India Arie.
I lost many dear ones over the course of my life, at some point I started to grief, yet the most recent loss was coming face to face with seeing a loved one's soul and loving interaction fades. The body is there, it is worm, touchable, but as the medics get to explain it; It is the only thing that is hear. The person you used to know, is no longer inside.
It is hard when you know that you are in mourning, yet you can't wear black or visit a grave. It is a silent, longer, more sensitive and lonely path to walk. Yet, it starts the moment your soul sinks deep into your stomach and you know what you just heard is true.
The shock is real, the pain is real, the anger is real, but also the healing loving acceptance is also real.
Today, I am wearing a very tight shoes, my soul feels like as if it is walking funny. Today, I choose to limp my way through the dark tunnel of grief, hoping to see the light at the other side, when I could make peace with the fact that what I once loved is gone and is no longer available for me, yet I know this is only part of the truth, and only the whole truth is the one that "Sets me Free"; Today I know that once I had love available to me before it is gone it was mine and it staid and it held my hands. And now, I can learn one day at a time to open my hands and let go.
Today, I hope that as I walk around with empty hands, I meet some divine loving ones that holds tight to mine.
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