My Christmas Present

"Glory to God in the heavenly heights, Peace to all men and women on earth who please him" Luke 2:14


Each year I will have a long list of things that I want /(expect) to have for Christmas; Though this list is no longer necessary marked as directed to Santa, but rather prepared for my Higher Power's attention.


Throughout the past months and specifically the past seven to be exact by the time I started this blog,  I was learning how to live life one day at a time and how to give up expectations as I came to learn they are (premeditated resentments) :-)).  I think somewhere along the journey I learned to stop planning, it was tough for me to know that there is a God and He is not me :-) that I can not plan everything in my life, and great part if not all of it of turning my will and my life over to the care of God, is to learn that I need to be open for other unexpected, unplanned things to land in my lap.  I need to learn to like surprises and not mind change, because my best thinking is what got me here; on my Knees praying for an Awakening of some sort, for a vision and to a path to find serenity, which I was searching fiercely for.  


I started my journey carrying a big sack on my shoulder that I didn't know it was there, and when I did, I didn't know how to put it down, and if I happened to know how, I didn't know how this would look like that I know I am burden free. Along with this big sack I had a wide tool bag of ineffective behaviors (used as coping mechanisms) wrapped around my waist.  


One of the big loads in my sack was my fear of being alone.  I wanted, I needed to belong.  One of the tools I picked from my waist bag was to lie about the severity of my wellbeing and fabricate behaviors, experiences and feelings that were not true in my life (as if it even the mess I had was not severe enough) for the sake of joining certain groups that form some sort of a bond over their specific common problems.  When my faking proved to be ineffective as I was still not part of that bond and I was still happy, I retrieved, seeking other means to control and manage my life and my burden. 


Another block in my sack was the compulsive need to feel right about what I was doing or what was happening in my life; I needed to make sense.  My ineffective behavioral tool was the compulsion to take quick decisions, to pick a side, choose a label and sticking with it no matter how evidents over time proved that to be untrue.  


Having had reached a bottom of exhaustion from carrying that heavy sack all around and used all my ineffective behavioral tools and yet the situation was the same.  I was ready to do the unthinkable.  Face my own demon; my biggest fear of abandonment.  I knew to get what I never had, I had to do something I never did.  I made a decision to abandon myself to the care of God as I understood him.  


Having been busy with this journey, living it, learning my lessons, praying my prayers, blogging about it, opening my wounds and exposing them so they get the air they need to dry and heal.  I forgot to do my Santa list. 


Today in particular I came home to an unexpected gift of Christmas one that I so much needed but never thought it is what I wanted so I could put it high on my list (typical both of me and my Higher Power).  


Today, I met a wise passionate person with whom I had a heart to heart conversations and he advised that I "should" seek solution in this "specific way".  
I listed with an open heart to what my new wise friend shared with me, considered it, did not commit to adopting his ideas and did not fight back and be defensive on why I choose not to commit that his suggestion is the "right solution".  I took it to my heart, I reflected on why I did not consider this solution though it has been offered to me before, without trying to find faults with me for not choosing that early then; and then considered the suggestion I heard from my friend, without the need to find faults with him for not seeing/understanding my reasons to not making a commitment to follow that suggestion.  


Today, I realized that I indeed came to acquired the precious gift of "patience" the skill of waiting till I know.  No panic attacks or anxious feelings or insane thoughts that I "Need" to exactly know how I feel about this situation and "Have to" decide on what to do about it. 


Today, I came to realize that I learned to live with acceptance; Accepting that I am who I am, I feel what I feel, and People are who they are and are entitled to their own beliefs, thoughts, discoveries, awakenings and behaviors.  


Today, I joyfully realized that my prayers for God to reveal to me what I need to change has been answered in a way.  I need to change how I listen without having a need to give a comfortable answer that fixes others lives.  Today I can hear suggestions and not feel a need to take a decision on how I feel about what heard or what action should I take instantly to reflect that.  Today, I need to change my need to have people see things, God, life, places and circumstances the way I see them.


Today, I learned that with all the focus I put on me and my journey with my Higher Power, the gift in my stocking is progress and not perfection; And I came to learn to celebrate that.  


Today, I stand here before you all, my Higher Power and myself, jumping of sheer and joy for I hit the jack box I got the Christmas present that was too big even for me to enlist among my list.  Behold, behold... I was granted Serenity and Sanity :-)). 


Merry Christmas to Us All...