The Triumph of the Silent Wait

Today I had a dream that my abusers/transgressors poisoned all those I know who are in their circle about me, and now everyone has a faulted idea about me, and because I choose to keep my distance and not expose my them to anyone and everyone who would listen, my story is not told and my voice was not heard and the the truth is gone forever; leaving only their version of what they choose to tell!

I woke up in panic confused about what action to take and quickly. For the grace of God, I made a decision to first calm and collect myself before my guiding Holy Spirit. And my Higher Power being The God of order who I know Him to be didn't fail to deliver.

As I took a deeper look within myself I started to recognize that my panic and discomfort with my dream was feeling all too familiar, it's my same rooted need to be believed, acknowledged and approved of, which is too strong within me that the idea of existing with the knowledge that somewhere, someone is not impressed with me, finds me faulty and does not approve of me or my ways is a too heavier burden to live with, so I keep trying to fix it till I faint.

It all became so clear to me then, this crazy circle of viciousness is why I seeked healing and recovery in the first place; And It's how I was introduced to my first step to making peace with myself, God and my world around me; Admitting that my Spirit (Mind, Heart and Will) is diseased!
That I am powerless over the effects of the dysfunctional diseased world/people that my life had become unmanageable.

I was then reminded that to truly seek healing and recovery for my diseased spirit/life my first and most important tool is Honesty, and to remain Honest to oneself and God I have to examine my heart and my ways forcing myself to see and admit that to seek those in the circle of my Abusers/Transgressors in order to tell everyone my tales of wows and expose their wickdness is not only gossip but an attempt for personal vengeance in hope to create turbulence and turmoil in their lives just as they did in mine.

And in my path of seeking help and healing for my diseased spirit, hoping to recover it "Whole" again, I came to believe that a Higher Power greater than myself, a loving God as I understand Him could restore me to sanity. And will avenge my life "for the vengeance is His,says the Lord"!

So however hard the silent stand and wait is, in my path to recovery and the seeking of healing in the presence of God there are no short cuts, no manipulation of people or events nor any delusion of control urging attempts to manipulate God, time or the seasons of life;
In this long, narrow road of healing, wisdom and recovery there is only the truth of living one day at a time assuming the commitment we made when "we made a decision to surrender/turn over our lives and our will to the care of our Higher Power, our loving God as we understand Him! 

5 Breads and 2 Fish

I have been in the job market for many years now and have gone to many more interviews in the process.  Naturally, I became the go to for interviews prepping for my friends, what questions to expect; and regardless of the job that stereotype question of "Where do you see yourself in 5 or 10 years" is always to count for. 

It seems that every employer together with every TV Ad are concerned with where will we be in five years, our retirement plan, or our life insurance plan even; And we wonder why anxiety pills are in high demand, can anyone blame or judge, a generation that is being taught everyday that their present was created for their future, that who they are today doesn't matter or at least not quite relevant or enough, it's their future selves that the world is interested in!

While all this is a big hoax, we still take the bait.  We become anxious, greedy, selfish, self centered, self absorbed and addicts to one thing or another. And if we realized this about ourselves and but for the grace of God were shocked and/or disgusted with the version of ourselves that we have become, we only start seeking remedy for the symptom/s not the disease. 

Today, I meditated in the miracle of the Five Breads and Two Fish (Mark 6:41),  and it made me remember another similar miracle in the Old Testament (1 Kings 17: 7 - 16) with Elijah and the widow from Zarepath about the flour and the olive oil, which in turn reminded me of one of my favourite miracles of them all, one that is recognized in many faiths and beliefs; About The Manna and the Quail with Moses and the Israelites (Exodus 16).

I love the three miracles and the story about how God complete our shortcomings and fulfill our needs, but today as I meditated in the three miracles again, I came to realize that the keyword that is the code to deciphering the message told through the three stories in my opinion are in Moses words "No one is to keep any of it until morning" (Ex 16:19) 

The funny part, which we all pretend to be discontent and disgusted with as if our anxious, pill popping selves of today could do any better in the circumstances, they definitely kept for tomorrow, and Voala as the French say, it "was full of maggots and began to smell". 

True our bank savings, and insurance plans don't rotten or smell, but I wonder which parts of us do?! Yet, can we really look someone who is asking us about what insurance/retirement plan is best, or how to SMART measure an answer for the where do you see yourself in 5 or 10 years, that the Present is all that matter, and we have and who we are today is quite Enough!
The truth is there two different answers for two different lifestyles with two different life choices governed by totally two different gods.  Yes, I have said it, two different gods.  
I don't mean to offend or wish to shock but for the sake of honesty does the god in whom we seek the answers of "More Now, Bigger Now, Insurance Spare Now, who looks more like the wealthy lawyer in the "Devil's Advocate" movie with the fur coat and a gold chain necklace, who fills your life with models, triple your bank account in a jiff and promote you every other day; resembles in any sense the sandals wearing man who's idea of a mass feeding meal is 5 Breads and 2 fish? Didn't think so!
Today, I rethink both these stories and my life in a different light, I receive the invitation of my God as I understand him to a serene personal relationship telling me that I Matter, My life as it is today is Relevant and both my 5 Breads and 2 Fish and I are enough to satisfy not just one but five thousand more if willing to join!

"Mark 6: 41 - 44"
41Taking the five loaves and the two fish and looking up to heaven, he gave thanks and broke the loaves. Then he gave them to his disciples to distribute to the people. He also divided the two fish among them all42They all ate and were satisfied43and the disciples picked up twelve basketful of broken pieces of bread and fish44The number of the men who had eaten was five thousand.

Respect the Disease

"But you, Timothy, man of God: Run for your life from all this.  Pursue a righteous life-a life of wonder, faith, love, steadiness, courtesy." 1 Timothy 6:11

When members of the 12 steps program of AA "Alcoholic Anonymous" define Alcoholism they describe it as a physical compulsion, coupled with a mental obsession.  We mean that we had a distinct physical desire to consume alcohol beyond our capacity to control it, and in defiance of all the rules of common sense.  We not only had an abnormal craving for alcohol, but we frequently yielded to it at the worst possible times.  We did not know when (or how) to stop drinking.  --- (AA Glossary)
Because AA considers Alcoholism to be a disease and not an "Undesirable Habit/Behavior", members in learning to recover developed a saying to reminder themselves not to take this disease of Alcoholism lightly and in the process put themselves in compromised positions lest they get harmed by slipping once again into the undesirable habit, they say "Respect the Disease".  If one took it seriously and respected the outcomes of its episodes a life of serenity is possible and attainable.  Just like a diabetic or someone with allergies going through life following a certain diet of avoiding certain food/beverages.  
There are many forms and sizes of a Disease it does not necessary fatal, permanent or contagious, for  having a cold is a disease and so is Malaria.  Respecting the disease is knowing that one is seriously complaining and hurting of something and even if in some cases the pain is not at the surface that does not mean it is not there, so precaution is recommended. Sometimes, diseases are not apparent, commonly acknowledged and openly recognized.  There are emotional diseases, one could be experiencing a heart ache after a break up, or suffering with a relationship, or have people problems at work or ones community.
I thought about this phrase today as I sat in excruciating pain in my lower back and shoulders because of some silly inconsiderate actions from my part, like sitting glued to my computer or to a book while in my bed, bending my back the wrong way to pick something from the floor over and over, or carrying something heavy against my doctor instructions who advised me against that and gave me a list of positions to avoid and others to maintain because of the problem I have wit"six" discs in both my neck and back.  
I know that instead of bending 90 degrees I could have simply bent my knees and used my legs like a mattress/chairs springs to go down pick something and come back up, sparing my back the inevitable pain from the accumulated misuse and abuse, and putting my body literally in compromised positions.  
I think ones heart, relationship, people problems, financial stresses or behavioral issues like temper/jealousy could also sometimes experience a disease.  It is up to me to decide whether to take my acknowledge that I have a disease or remain in denial, and if I acknowledged it like the first step of the 12 steps program do I take it seriously or do I carry in my denial by undermining it's strength to bring me down.  
As I was looking for the exact definition of Alcoholism on the internet I stumbled on one of AA forums and one member posted a comment sharing his/her (members are anonymous) thoughts about some person who have been in recovery so long still comes regularly and participate in those forums so the commentator wondered why is this great person who have been in recovery for so long still come to meetings even online ones, and how that thought was an instant reminder that This Disease (Alcoholism) has no respect!
Diseases have no respect, they don't care what gender, age, or circumstances in life one is going through. They Happen! It is up to me to properly evaluate the situation and what is going on with ones life and make the decision to what to do about it, a.k.a "Respect my Disease"!!

While We Wait...

"Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds, for you know the testing of faith produces steadfastness.  And let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing".  (James 1:2-4)

I took an acting class once and in the first session the instructor asked us to a strange exercise that is supposed to help us to get to know each other and form a connection.  He asked us to roam the room in intertwined circles gazing at each others eyes, locking eyes who intertwine with us and we fix a stare with whom we feel a connection and we introduce ourselves quickly and in a bit strange for me to say the least, to say my first name and say "One" thing that I sums up what I like and another single thing that I most despise. 

It was very challenging to find one thing that sums all that I like and another of what I most despise.  Yet, after I intertwined and locked eyes with most of new colleagues, I finally felt a real connection with someone though we never met, and I just said it "I am Sue, I Love Butterflies and I Hate Waiting"!

It was true, I SUCK at waiting, but who is good at waiting?!!, and what's up with the "WAITING" anyway!! Every scent of wisdom urges us to wait patiently for things to come in time.. It is there in the Bible, "There is a time for everything under the sun".  

We know it, we believe it, we say it to others to console and encourage, but why, and when is overwhelming while we wait.  

Today, I see that the thing with WAITING is not about the impossibility of what we are anticipating and wishing for, as people of faith  we believe that it is possible and that it is ours, and will come to pass; Whether it was meeting the right person, or getting someone to take notice, or feel strongly about my interests, or reforming a system in ones place of work or even setting right the Constitution or the Country. 

Today , I realize that it is not about how long "It Takes" but rather how I hold myself, my soul, my integrity, my truth, my feelings to the person I am longing for, my joy, My Power! 

Today, I know that seeing oneself as a victim of time to decide ones fate or destiny makes one feels useless, and useless people can not find a way out!!

Today, I wait with joy, with complete ownership of my power knowing that "Waiting" for anything is a quest, a journey and a test to urge ones soul.. only not to give up! 

So keep the Faith .. as the great Bon Jovi says and hold tight to ones Joy!  

"And let us not grow weary of doing good, for in due season we will reap, if we do not give up". --(Galatians 6:9)

Not Issac But More!

I remember reading very long ago this book about the story of Abraham sacrificing his only son upon God's request.  The book's title was "Not Issac But More", I don't remember all what it said now, I am sure it was about trusting God with our all.. but I never forget the title though.

I prayed for many years what now I see as a routine prayer that "God I put before you my all".. "I am all accessible to you God".. "Use my every being, my finances, my relationship, my family, my home, my work.. nothing is *of no  limit* when it comes to you God".  And I thought I knew what I was saying and what it  implicated.  I did put in the past "on the Alter" many relationships, trips, jobs and stuff I wanted, just like Abraham and I would think, I never withheld something from God, no matter how hard I wanted to be with that person, or go on that trip or do this Job, I did pray.. didn't I, that "God I put it before you in the Alter" Its my precious Issac that I don't consider it to be more precious than you.

But it wasn't the same, was it?!! Because deep down everything I claim to have put in the Alter before God I had a *gut feeling* or at least a suspicion (even if it was just a probability) that it might not be the best thing out there for me!  But Abraham didn't consider his son to be *may be not a good thing for him*; He was a God-given!! He believed and saw it happen in a miraculous way, having him was an Awe to many around him as well.

Today, I see myself in a God-given relationship I am so blessed to have mat me when I find myself being challenged in all those things with irrational forces that is messing with the course of things and putting pressure from all the possible sides.  I find that I am compelled to run for my dear life, to cry out for this to end. "Please God, I know that all those things are from your gifts to me, I tested them before you and I can't for the life in me see why should they be disturbed now.  I want to do something, change this, get out of that disturbing place that keeps generate an awkward energy, quit that job, change those circles, burn those bridges, break off with those deeply disturbed people in my life who mess with my mere existence.
And I sit there at the same time, like a parrot repeating my prayer God I put before you my finances, my marriage, my relationships, my home, my work.. my all!! And I get one of those "Aha" moments, God did take my prayers seriously, he is answering my prayers, He is accessing my life because I gave Him permission too!

Today, I realize that neither my marriage, finances, job, relationships, family or home is *off limits* to you God.  Nothing is a *Red Line* uncross-able to God as I often pray.  I can and probably will always have people, and things who barge into my private life, and test me and challenge me to bring out the compassion, love, patience, tolerance, acceptance, faith and hope out of me. 


Today, I realize that its not those private dear things in my life that are in question, God *doesn't want or need them* and definitely doesn't enjoy making me suffer through them for sport... It is not my Issac being in the Alter that He is after, it is not some old weird "suffering loving" worship kind of thing, that gets off on us putting our offspring through fire to please the gods!; But it is "the endurance produced by the suffering, that produces character and the hope that comes from that" (Romans 5:3) is sole purpose and objective.

Today, I sit in my prayer corner and I enjoy my new learned inline meaning of my words as I say "God I put before you my all" nothing is off limit to you.. use my life, my resources, my circles, my relationships, my love, my talents, my expertise for your glory.

Figuring It Out With The Inner Joseph

Joseph, chagrined but noble, determined to take care of things quietly so Mary would not be disgraced. While he was trying to figure a way out, he had a dream. God's angel spoke in the dream: "Joseph, son of David, don't hesitate to get married"... -- Mat 1: 19 - 20 


I was talking with a friend of mine the other day on commitment issues, and his first natural response was "no one willingly runs to be imprisoned".  We debated the sense of being committed to a relationship, or a job or a vision and how it depends on how long we have been at the other end that with time we start realizing that we all want to have stable, sustainable commitments, we are only worried to make the wrong choices; We are Afraid! 


I thought about a proper prayer for commitment and the story of Joseph and Mary came to mind, He was noble, yet that did not contradict the fact that he is human.  He got cold feet, it wasn't fear of responsibility, it was new data being sprinkled on him; It was the fact that suddenly it seemed that he might be about to bite more than he could chew; He does love Mary but with the idea of a baby (let alone one that she claims was "supernaturally" conceived).  I believe he was facing that moment of fight or flight and obviously his guts was telling him that flight was not a very bad option. 


Fear of commitment can take many forms, shapes and sizes, with fears of relationships, marriage, being good parents, good employers or employees... that still shakes us to the core.  


I confess I have a severe flight tendencies, I don't want to be hurt and in my mind my flight is rationalized by my selfless, considerate attempt to not be a source of disappointment and hurt  another, which are in themselves carry fatal elements that are doomed to sabotage any equation.  


I came to learn that it is only normal for us to fear new beginnings, things, people and see them as a dangerous territory.  Today, I am coming to accept the simple fact that in many areas of my life I simply need to accept that it is OK to "feel" and be  afraid as I am trying a brand new approach into life, people, places and things.  


Today, I am also coming to realize and acknowledge that "feelings are not facts"; For most of the "unnatural; weird; new; foreign" changes that are being introduced to my life do not necessary mean that they are wrong; Just because they differ from the perfect set up I had in mind that doesn't mean it is not the right one for me!


Today, I am learning to look differently at my FEAR and see it as a doorway to many choices that might have variable effects on my life; Today I have the opportunity to take a decision to either "Fear ($#@%) Everything And Run" or "Face Everything and Recover".  


Today, I am learning to take a deep breath and as I am figuring things out with my inner Joseph, I make a conscious choice to let myself be vulnerable and present, willing and ready to hear that Angel's voice to not fear taking that step and making that commitment!

It's Already in the Bag

God promises to provide us with the desires of our hearts -- Phillipians 4:19 John 15:7 Psalm 37:4-5


All books that speak of the ability to heal your life, and the power of positive thinking concludes that "If you can imagine it... it can happen to you". 


I was talking to my God daughter about why there are some areas in my life that seem to be lacking, while there is this other area that always seem to pick up and flourish despite of how many times it falls flat on its belly.  


Like me and work for instance.  How many times, have I changed jobs, and the economy in each time seems to be going from bad to worse, and despite the fears, concerns and warnings of many around me, things just pick up and for the better also.  I again find exactly what I am looking for in the exact shape, size and form and often exceeds my expectations. 


I wanted to get to the bottom of this, so I started exploring this idea further with my friend and breakdown the facts in hand.  So, I found that when it comes to work I do have a faith in God's promise that He is my provider; He provides and will continue to provide for me.  Therefore, no matter how things seem to go south at times and how many times I try and fail I just move on quietly to the next best thing, to purse that person, attend that meeting or write that e-mail, till the bait is caught and I find that I finally caught that fish I was looking for. 


The question within me was WHY?? then I seem to be having a harder time making peace and breaking bread when it comes to other things, relationships for instance! Why do the disappointments seems greater.  Why every time I seem closer to finding "The One", and I find it to be defective or I get hurt,  my heart goes sick and I instantly and instinctively withdraw and feel disappointed with God.  


I don't know about you, but it takes me a long time before I put myself out there again to try and as time goes by I grow more in fear that I am doomed for disappointment.  


Hence was my question; Why is my approach and attitude towards relationships and some other things in my life is so different than my attitude towards work?!  


I came to see that, when it comes to work and money, I developed this blind trust that God will provide, and I had faith that He does not take pleasure in seeing me in "Want"; Not only this but further I found that I believe that He already provided and its just a matter of me finding those "good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do" Ephesians 2:10. 

It's like a game where certain items are put in a large bag and you were asked to "go fishing" so you put in your hand, to touch and feel till you come out with the right item.  


I came to learn that the answer to my question was that with Work and money, I already figured this out, I confidently knew that the item was "In the Bag" so I just put in my hand and search for it, and if I came out with the wrong item, I say that this is OK, and I put my hand back in the bag and keep searching.  


Today, I came to believe that so is the case with all the other areas of my life.  I needed to be reminded that "All Items were already In The Bag".  And all I need to do is put my hand in and search; Sometimes I find what I am looking for from the first time, and that is what some call luck my dear friend :-)


I happen to know that I am not alone in this, in more times than I could count, everyone seems to share my experience, were we put our hands and seem to often come out with the wrong thing, or may be worse we get pinched by some sharp edged item and it hurts or may be injured; If we are confident that what we are looking for is still there.. all we need to do is go ahead, say that ouch, suck the blood,  and put back our hands in that deep bag till we find "the one", which feels right!


I came to learn that the answer lays within me, I just needed to dig deeper to find it.  The question was not directed to the void, the Universe or to my Higher Power.  It a question that needs to be directed to me alone, and only me can choose the answer to it.  Do I believe that my Higher Power is kind, honest and caring who does not set me up for disappointment?  Or do I function out of doubt and fear, filled with suspicion acting as if its some sort of a cruel game where I am sent out in a fishing expedition to look for something that was never placed in the bag to begin with?!!  Once, I have my answer, the rest is clear, more simple and makes the journey less painful and more interestingly comfortable.  


"Don't quit 5 minutes before the miracle happens" Anonymous 

The Healing Sting

If you want to forget all your other troubles, wear too tight shoes.  ~The Houghton Line, November 1965


I have watched too many movies (perhaps even for my own good) where people get amnesia after suffering a head trauma, and miraculously they seem to manage to fall somehow again from those long stairs or have a Chandler fall on their head or have some sort of severe accident where they regain their memory back.  I thought that is just too redundant and fake to even have a slim margin of truth.  


Then, I came to learn about other sorts of amnesia, its the kind that we choose to grant ourselves after suffering some sort of a soul troubling trauma; I learn the technical term for that is "Denial".  


I came to know a lot of people who love so much, that they can't believe their loved one is troubled, defected, dangerous, cheating or just gone.  I learned that the traumas of broken dreams and shattered heart desires that all our lives seem to have been weaved around like a spider web, could not easily be accepted like a fall of leaf and one moves on whole and sane.  Yet, sanity is required, it is something that we could sense it's loss, it manifests in flying color when it is absent, it becomes symptoms, it leads to crossing roads, to moments of truth, to therapy, to a doctor visit, a phone call or a simple question we plead our dear lives to never have to ask. 


Then there comes the truth, "The Truth that sets us Free".  Our loved one has died, have left the building, have chosen to remain absent from our family pictures.  We take the call, we hear the words and just like another fall from a high building or some shelves broken on our heads... we regain our consciousness knowledge of our truth.  In a fraction of a second we start to know for sure down in our souls it is "The Truth".   It releases the ache and open the path to living again; It is the only way to start truly living from the heart, breathing from our stomach, stop fighting and cramping, slowly we get to regain our sense of smell and the memories attached to tastes rushes right back.  Yet "it hurts like a brand new shoes" like the song of India Arie.  


I lost many dear ones over the course of my life, at some point I started to grief, yet the most recent loss was coming face to face with seeing a loved one's soul and loving interaction fades.  The body is there, it is worm, touchable, but as the medics get to explain it; It is the only thing that is hear.  The person you used to know, is no longer inside.  


It is hard when you know that you are in mourning, yet you can't wear black or visit a grave.  It is a silent, longer, more sensitive and lonely path to walk.    Yet, it starts the moment your soul sinks deep into your stomach and you know what you just heard is true.  
The shock is real, the pain is real, the anger is real, but also the healing loving acceptance is also real.  


Today, I am wearing a very tight shoes, my soul feels like as if it is walking funny.  Today, I choose to limp my way through the dark tunnel of grief, hoping to see the light at the other side, when I could make peace with the fact that what I once loved is gone and is no longer available for me, yet I know this is only part of the truth, and only the whole truth is the one that "Sets me Free"; Today I know that once I had love available to me before it is gone it was mine and it staid and it held my hands.  And now, I can learn one day at a time to open my hands and let go.  


Today, I hope that as I walk around with empty hands, I meet some divine loving ones that holds tight to mine. 

My Christmas Present

"Glory to God in the heavenly heights, Peace to all men and women on earth who please him" Luke 2:14


Each year I will have a long list of things that I want /(expect) to have for Christmas; Though this list is no longer necessary marked as directed to Santa, but rather prepared for my Higher Power's attention.


Throughout the past months and specifically the past seven to be exact by the time I started this blog,  I was learning how to live life one day at a time and how to give up expectations as I came to learn they are (premeditated resentments) :-)).  I think somewhere along the journey I learned to stop planning, it was tough for me to know that there is a God and He is not me :-) that I can not plan everything in my life, and great part if not all of it of turning my will and my life over to the care of God, is to learn that I need to be open for other unexpected, unplanned things to land in my lap.  I need to learn to like surprises and not mind change, because my best thinking is what got me here; on my Knees praying for an Awakening of some sort, for a vision and to a path to find serenity, which I was searching fiercely for.  


I started my journey carrying a big sack on my shoulder that I didn't know it was there, and when I did, I didn't know how to put it down, and if I happened to know how, I didn't know how this would look like that I know I am burden free. Along with this big sack I had a wide tool bag of ineffective behaviors (used as coping mechanisms) wrapped around my waist.  


One of the big loads in my sack was my fear of being alone.  I wanted, I needed to belong.  One of the tools I picked from my waist bag was to lie about the severity of my wellbeing and fabricate behaviors, experiences and feelings that were not true in my life (as if it even the mess I had was not severe enough) for the sake of joining certain groups that form some sort of a bond over their specific common problems.  When my faking proved to be ineffective as I was still not part of that bond and I was still happy, I retrieved, seeking other means to control and manage my life and my burden. 


Another block in my sack was the compulsive need to feel right about what I was doing or what was happening in my life; I needed to make sense.  My ineffective behavioral tool was the compulsion to take quick decisions, to pick a side, choose a label and sticking with it no matter how evidents over time proved that to be untrue.  


Having had reached a bottom of exhaustion from carrying that heavy sack all around and used all my ineffective behavioral tools and yet the situation was the same.  I was ready to do the unthinkable.  Face my own demon; my biggest fear of abandonment.  I knew to get what I never had, I had to do something I never did.  I made a decision to abandon myself to the care of God as I understood him.  


Having been busy with this journey, living it, learning my lessons, praying my prayers, blogging about it, opening my wounds and exposing them so they get the air they need to dry and heal.  I forgot to do my Santa list. 


Today in particular I came home to an unexpected gift of Christmas one that I so much needed but never thought it is what I wanted so I could put it high on my list (typical both of me and my Higher Power).  


Today, I met a wise passionate person with whom I had a heart to heart conversations and he advised that I "should" seek solution in this "specific way".  
I listed with an open heart to what my new wise friend shared with me, considered it, did not commit to adopting his ideas and did not fight back and be defensive on why I choose not to commit that his suggestion is the "right solution".  I took it to my heart, I reflected on why I did not consider this solution though it has been offered to me before, without trying to find faults with me for not choosing that early then; and then considered the suggestion I heard from my friend, without the need to find faults with him for not seeing/understanding my reasons to not making a commitment to follow that suggestion.  


Today, I realized that I indeed came to acquired the precious gift of "patience" the skill of waiting till I know.  No panic attacks or anxious feelings or insane thoughts that I "Need" to exactly know how I feel about this situation and "Have to" decide on what to do about it. 


Today, I came to realize that I learned to live with acceptance; Accepting that I am who I am, I feel what I feel, and People are who they are and are entitled to their own beliefs, thoughts, discoveries, awakenings and behaviors.  


Today, I joyfully realized that my prayers for God to reveal to me what I need to change has been answered in a way.  I need to change how I listen without having a need to give a comfortable answer that fixes others lives.  Today I can hear suggestions and not feel a need to take a decision on how I feel about what heard or what action should I take instantly to reflect that.  Today, I need to change my need to have people see things, God, life, places and circumstances the way I see them.


Today, I learned that with all the focus I put on me and my journey with my Higher Power, the gift in my stocking is progress and not perfection; And I came to learn to celebrate that.  


Today, I stand here before you all, my Higher Power and myself, jumping of sheer and joy for I hit the jack box I got the Christmas present that was too big even for me to enlist among my list.  Behold, behold... I was granted Serenity and Sanity :-)). 


Merry Christmas to Us All...

Season's Inventory

Its the season for inventories.  I am getting ready to leave in 10 days; my shipping company asked me if they can pay a visit few days prior to the shipping date so they can look at my stuff and determine the right tools and materials to bring with for the packing.


Going through my stuff,  my books, my pictures... and the too many papers; posted and other scraps with quotes I heard or read somewhere, some are of favorite bible verses, lots of greeting cards from people I have known throughout my whole life, some have passed away, some we've lost touch and some who are just in a different place in our lives and our relationships, and some still make me smile because they are so true and some remind me of things I was going through then and still needed to hear and read today. 


I found this beautiful handwritten letter from someone who was my best friend for more than 10 years, she rarely talked or expressed herself fully, but I had no difficulty understanding, connecting or loving her.  She was and is one of the most beautiful spirits I have ever met.  The letter was sealed in a purple envelope "my favorite color" she has given it to me sometime before Christmas as I was travelling to stay in another country where I was going to spend Christmas, New Year's and my birthday and was even contemplating living in that country if all worked well for me.  The letter was; it was so beautiful expressed with so much love and joyful memories full of promises of more joyful adventures still to come; until there wasn't.  It brought tears to my eyes because this beautiful girl is no longer present in my life.  This memory was like Pandora's box that opened more wounds; it made me remember my grandmother with her big body sitting in the center of her bed with her two short silver curly braids and a smile on her face, whenever I came in burdened or disappointed, she would promise me that great goodness will come my way and she will live to see it.  Until she didn't.  


I sat then and there crying and grieving over what I lost, what I felt was stolen from me.  It was like going down the stairs to find a dungeon of a mysterious palace; where you see the truth of what really took place in that mystic place. I was there surrounded with dead dreams, crushed hopes and a broken heart.  As I allowed myself to grief and cry until I was quite, I continued going through my papers so I could finish and just climb into bed and silently go to sleep with a sad and freshly opened wound.  When I found then a piece of paper torn from some notebook that didn't look even like it was one of mine.  It had four lines written in it:
"Prayers depend on God's Goodness... unless God cares for me.. prayers are useless!
Praise depends on God's Faithfulness... unless God can always be trusted, there is no reason to praise Him!
Joy depends on God's Justice... unless God rights all wrong, there is no reason to exalt!
Therefore, no matter what happens in life, there is reason to be joyful; God promises that His Justice will prevail... I can take that to the bank; He is Good; He can be Trusted; and He will bring Justice"


I don't know where did I hear or read that, but I am glad I wrote it down.  It was like finding a hidden button in that dark dungeon and pressed it and there it was a secret door that opened, leading to a secret passage, to another place more bright that has the promises of change, freedom, goodness and better ending.  Just when I thought I unveiled the unfair/ugly face and truth of what life was all about; that nothing lasts forever; Relationships break; loved ones die; Scripted future have a way to not come to life; disease and old age steals dreams of motherhood and child birth; death steals the desired hopes that our children would one day have the happy memories with their extended family like we did, is no longer an option because they simply no longer exist.  


There is a saying that "People can never change the truth; but Truth can change people".  My loss was real and  true, but the other truth was right there staring me back in the face, one that bear witness of my Higher Power's nature and characteristics.  A truth that helped that did not only change my feelings, lifted my spirit but also generated hope into my life.  


Today, I realize that this season as it marks an end and a beginning in my life and my calendar; I have a choice, and 've been granted a gift to not see it as a season of Empty Womb.. but to exalt and rejoice in the true promises of God's words that makes it a season of an Empty Tomb.. where the dead has risen!


Today, I see the change in my life with all that have passed and all that is still unrealized, not as a time to wail but an invitation to rejoice gazing at the glory to come, which is so bright... it blinds the eye!  

I am Seen.. I am Desired

"I paid a huge price for you: all of Egypt, with rich Cush and Seba thrown in!
That's how much you mean to me! That's how much I love you! I'd sell off the whole world to get you back, trade the creation just for you." (Isaiah 43:4)


Early today, and I mean like really early before 4:00 a.m. I woke up in one of my spirit heated prayers episodes.  I call them episodes because for some reason in certain seasons I find myself up and about regardless of how late I went to bed or how well I am physically feeling, heated with prayers with a burdening load on my chest that won't go away until my spirit feels some sort of a resolution and answer to whatever issue lifted in my prayers.  
My best friend and my sister calls this time the shift changing time in the spiritual realm; she gets up herself sometime at this hour to dedicate the day to God and declare him as her Higher Power over the course of her day.  
I am not sure where she got that from, but I like it.. it reminds me of the scene in the movie "The City of Angels" when all the Angels used to gather from all around to witness sunrise saying that it makes a magnificent sound that only they "Angels" could hear and they give praise at that time. 


So, in my shift changing time, I was feeling darkness all around not only in my room but inside me that have filled me with feelings of fear, disorientation and confusion.  I started lifting up my eyes to where my help comes from (Psalm 121:1) and this temporarily moment of darkness made me reflect on other periods of darkness in my life.  I was reminded of a one dark moment in my life filled with despair, destitute and pity; seeing myself abandoned by "man" and felt no hope that things will ever get bettered, I decided to end my life.  Yes, I did!  With the grace of God, my life was preserved, with no significant damage whatsoever, except to the heart of my God apparently!  


I felt the face of my loving God looking down at me, reminding me in HIS loving voice, "I've redeemed you. I've called your name. You're mine." (Isaiah 43:1).  Though I am a particle in this wide earth, in the galaxy and in the creation, my Higher Power has spotted me, SEEN me, and Loved me, HE Desired and Wanted me.  HE knew that being in this falling wold I was to perish if I am left to follow my choices and those made of my ancestors before me.  HE Wanted Life for Me and WORKED for it, with a living, perfect, pure and holy sacrifice; so that I may not perish but Live! (John 3:16)
The longing loving spot in my Higher Power's heart did not allow me to go and lay in the ground with those before me deceived by a lie that says-- I am not Loved! feeling rejected by humans.  


In our modern day, when we people work for the Government and taxes we say working for the man!  In that moment of honesty in my shift changing prayer time I saw how I lived, worked for and was fooled and manipulated by the man.  The Man in the world form of what we think is "In Control" and "In Charge" to grant us acceptance, approval and love; deciding on our success and failures.  


In this deep moment of unity with my God in spirit I was reminded of the sweetest voice of my best friend and sister and the twin of my soul, asking me to pray for her so she can feel the self acceptance and approval she deserves!!  My spirit shouted with drums and noise, knowing the special truth my Higher Power lovingly wanted to share with me at this so early hour in the morning.  


Today, I declare the WILL of my Higher Power over my life; Do not die with the lie, but live with the truth that "I am God, You Personal God... Your Savior" (Isaiah 43:3)


Today, I attend to the bride of the throne with oil of myrrh and sweet odors for Her preparation to stand pure and without wrinkle before the Groom (Esther 2:12); with only tears of longing and gratitude, wearing their crowns of pride and dignity with HIS love banner over them, giving themselves to the Groom accepting HIS long awaiting invitation to join HIM in eternal living.  


Today, I blog, for "I didn't die. I lived! And now I'm telling the world what God did." (Psalm 118:17)

The Sign-Posted Path

Isa 26:8  "We're in no hurry, GOD. We're content to linger in the path sign-posted with your decisions. Who you are and what you've done are all we'll ever want."


"Coincidences are miracles in which God chooses to remain anonymous." (AA 12 Steps Slogan)


My very good friend has a degree in children education and she has a personal passion for working among children.  She works in a good reputable cancer care major institution in an administrative position.  Though she loves the place, she shared with me several times how she wishes to get involved in a ministry that involves children in which she can combine her educational background, her work expertise and her passion together.  She explored many ways to achieve this but no door seems to open.  We encouraged each other several times sharing our visions and heart desires for our lives.  
She wrote me an e-mail the other week sharing how she went to this work function and as she was mingling and making conversations as her wonderful lovely self she bumped into this lady and they developed a connection over the conversation, she casually shared about her background and her passion and then realized she had to leave as she was excusing herself the lady told her that she worked at the Pediatric ward and might be interested to see how my friend could get involved, my friend was as always pleased with that and was exchanging contact details in a hurry, as she had no pen and paper to get the lady's info she took a picture of her badge.  As my friend sat in her car driving back she looked into the information details to record them in her phone and she realized she had actually talked to the Director of the Pediatric Division.  
How about that!! She stopped her car with an urge to pray and give thanks to God and as she lifted her eyes to the sky she saw that she was standing next to a big billboard sign that said "God Listens!"


Recently, I have been seeing signs on my own road.  A conversation I had with a friend revealed to me that not going to that trip I was longing for last week was actually a big blessing because I needed to learn more on the people I was meeting.  Haven't I seen the other sides of the picture might have had a significant affect on my enjoyment of the trip.  


I also came to learn that though I had made no personal plans or expectation on how to spend my vacation a dear friend of mine was putting together good plans to introduce me to people I might enjoy and places I might be interested to see.  


An e-mail from a one time acquaintance I have made contact with four years ago in my career search, showed me that I am remembered.  When approached by people looking for professionals to take part in their new project he remembered me and found my CV and forwarded it to them.  Not knowing where I am today in my life, and if I was even looking or would be interested to change jobs.  
I expressed my gratitude to this nice person and told him that indeed I am reaching the end of my contract in the Gulf and moving back home and I am looking and interested to find a suitable career opportunity.  


Then before I could recover from this pleasant "coincident" I got another e-mail from another friend sharing on some other foundation working in the same area of interest that I am passionate about.  


Though, I am still to make that trip, meet all sorts of people, visit places or just sit peacefully reading a book or watching a movie, and knowing that I might or might not be contacted for that career opportunity I find amazing.  I find myself filled with Awe! staring mentally at the same highway sign as my friend reading "God Listens!".


Today, I learn to interpret those signs to read a kind message from my Higher Power telling me "Dear Child, I do not need your help today, thanks--God" (12 Steps Slogan)


Today, I learn to let go of my need to be worried, anxious, upset and hurried.  Today, I choose to trust my Higher Power to be my utmost Advocate.  


Today, I learn that my Higher Power does not need my help to take care of me and bring me the the future I hope for. (Jeremiah 29:11)

Today, I Let go and Let God.  Today, I take a decision to turn my will, my life and my circumstances over to the care of God as I understand him. 

Living Well...

Mar 5:34  Jesus said to her, "Daughter, you took a risk of faith, and now you're healed and whole. Live well, live blessed! Be healed of your plague." 


A phrase that has meant a lot for me lately that my colleague uttered so casually commenting on ones future and life "It is so easy to worry"!


As I am closing one chapter of my life, taking the decision to resign my current job and go on a quest to pursue my own vision.  I recently find it within to take a pause, put my fear and anxiousness aside, ignore what I think people and circumstances want me to do... and ask myself what do I want to do.  What do I see myself in, what does my heart and inner soul is guiding me towards.  


Reciting my declaration and affirmation that I will overcome every obstacle and defeat every enemy.  I came to learn that I AM my biggest obstacle and my enemy at large.  I came to pay attention to how closely I observe how people grade me and how I measure myself against what they regard of me.  I hear my boss tell me that he sees me as a talented inspired writer and knows exactly how far I could go, and at the same time, how he disregards any chance to optimize my talents but on the contrary casts me aside and offer a room for growth and promotion to a complete unknown outsider.   Instead of anger, which at least would have been an understandable feeling, I tend to draw on pity and disappointment on how I am not destined for greatness.  I came to learn how close to me was discouragement and how high people are regarded in my life that in them I find the source of motivation and guidance, it is them who dictate my present and draw the guidelines of my future journey.  


It is then that I came to acknowledge the truth of how far from the center is My Higher Power.  It became clear how much my inner compass required tweaking.  I dried my eyes and had a confrontation moment in which I brought my inner child to meet my Divine Father for a real first parental meeting.  I Knew I needed to give my Divine Parent the chance to be the Leader in my life, the Alpha and the Omega, to guide and lead me where I need to go.  I am finally ready to listen, hence, I knew I would now hear.   


I came to learn the past few weeks that regardless of how powerless I seem to be and how unmanageable life seems, I always have a choice.  I can choose to either be by my side or abandon myself.  


I choose today to listen to the true, loving and caring voice of my God as I understand Him who lives within me as Me! Telling me who I truly am, what do I truly like, guiding me through the path I need to take towards my purposeful journey to heal my heart and bring quality to my life.  


Today, I learned to let down my fear and know though it seems so easy to worry I can choose "not to let Security - Or my search for it - be my base of operations" (from the book In All Our Affairs)


As I take a joyful confident step in my new journey towards an unknown, unframed, unlimited, unrestricted, unchained and unleashed life I let the kind voice of my Higher Power washes away my past pains, hurts, frustrations, discouragement and fills me with His truth of me.  Seeking the same experience as that bleeding woman centuries ago after suffering bent down and drained for 18 years by this plague, spending fortunes left and right searching for someone to cure her and put a stop to the drain that torn her life with shame and disgrace.  Daring in spite of all that to imagine a life of healing and wholeness, pushing through the crowd to touch the edge of the Messiah's robe, trusting that this simple act of faith can bring closure to a long exhausting chapter of her life, offering her a new leaf, and a new chance to live the life she was meant to have.  She knew she had all that she dreamed of and more when the kind, reassuring voice of Christ said to her, "Daughter, you took a risk of faith, and now you're healed and whole. Live well, live blessed! Be healed of your plague." (Mark 5:34)


"Though no one can go back and make a brand new start, anyone can start from now and make a brand new end" (from the book As we Understood)

Smell the Freshness

"Because of the LORD's great love we are not consumed,for his compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness." (Lamentations 3:22-23)

They say be careful of what you ask for, you might just get it.  I pray to be the person God created me to be, and be the scented essence of God in the world.  

The past weeks taught me the hard way that this is not an easy thing to do or be, I don't wake up like that.. I wish I could!  I learned that I have to get hurt, betrayed, misunderstood, judged, accused and wronged so I could then sow love where there is hatred; pardon where is injury; hope where there is despair; light where there is darkness and joy where there is sadness. 

Boy, for it is tough! I have to rely on fresh comfort and healing each time.  At times, I had to pray the same thing over and over everyday or sometimes every hour of a single day, just to go by.  To keep myself from watering my hurt and injury and act vengeful, judgmental or gossipy.  I had to examen my motives and refrain from posting thoughts on my Facebook status or wall, and sometimes I had to hide the status and comments of others to avoid being triggered, provoked or tempted to react instead of act.  It is extra hard for me because I know that I am an action taker, more comfortable when I am busy and industrious.  I learned to walk in reverse... "To not just do something about it, but to sit there" :-))

At times it seemed as if I was allowing others to violate me and walk all over me, like my friend thought and told me when she was going mad out of her mind in the train station when the bearded ticketing officer dismissed our request for tickets in the next train though he just gave two tickets and was extra nice to a couple of foreigners who were before us in the Que.  My friend was aggravated and could not believe me as I smiled joyfully  to the guy as if he just offered us tickets with an upgrade even; I said "thank you for the information and the help" and took my friends arm and headed to the train lane telling her I trust that it will all be alright and we will find seats and it will even be fun.  

I really believe that my friend was ready to smack me on the head to bring me to my senses thinking I was in Denial.  :-D 

I wasn't being a fool or any kinder than him actually as it seemed, I was as strong headed as he was, simply holding tight to my right to be myself.  If my "Pleases, Thank Yous and courteous smile" did not succeed to make this officer change who he was, or be less mean and less prejudiced, then why should his actions and behavior control and manipulate me to be someone who I am not?!!  I insisted to maintain my right to be joyful, kind, courteous, pleasant and bless-full no matter what people do or say.  I was refusing to be controlled or manipulated, no not today...(Thinking to myself: Even Score... in your face, eat your heart.. lol :-))

I realized that I need to rely on fresh compassion, healing and help everyday to be able to do this over and over.  I need to accept that no matter how big or small my attempts are to improve, develop and work on myself seem to me, I am only doing what is divinely right, common,expected and commanded of me.  I also need to accept that I choose to walk on this path and not everyone pledged the same.  I am the one "Off track", hence I can not sit around waiting for others to show me the compassion, apology or comfort whenever I think they've wrong me.  

I meditate on the story were Christ healed the ten lepers and nine of them just went on with their way and never looked back or returned to thank him, and only one leper returned to thank for his healing (Luke 17:12-19). Christ did not go around scandalizing, cursing, promising eternal condemnation for those who did not come back, He just let go.. He further blessed and acknowledged the faithful act of the returned leper and commented no more..

Today, I learn that I need not obsess or focus on others... I can see those I showed love, mercy and compassion refuse to see, acknowledge or feel it, but turn their backs and go away.  Today, I can show extra love, gratitude and joy for those who accepted my hand and showed me appreciation and love.  

Today, I meditate on the thought of living above or across from a bakery or a coffee roasting shop so I can smell the freshness of a new made bread and coffee everyday, allowing that smell of freshness to open my senses to welcoming each new day with open arms. 

Today, I pray for opened senses, to see, smell, hear, taste and touch the new mercies and compassion that my Lord has for me every morning. 

"O, Divine Master, grant that I may not so much seek to be consoled, as to console; to be understood, as to understand; to be loved, as to love; for it is in giving that we receive, it is in pardoning that we are pardoned, and it is in dying that we are born to eternal life." -- (Al-Anon Prayer)