Keeping Promises - Rock-Solid-Guarantee!

"Spread for me a banquet of praise, serve High God a feast of kept promises"—(Psalm 50:14)

One of the most adorable charachtaristics and personality traits of my Higher Power that I so much adore is His Faithfulness, that "He doesn't break promises!" (Tit 1:2).  It is the corner stone of my security and safety that guarantee that I am going to see all my hopes, dreams and heart desires come to pass.  

I know that I am created in His image: a trusting, faithful being.  Yet perhaps it was through the broken promises of many adults and authority figures in my life, that "unfaithfulness" slowly worked itself into the patterns of my consciousness so I might start to believe that it was useless to hope/dream/want or desire anything because one way or another "promises" will find their way to be "broken". 

The path of Loving myself to Healing and to Wholeness, led me to start learning to trust again.  It took many disappointing, frustrating and defeating situations to break my ability to trust.  I learned today, that the painful lessons of a lifetime are not unlearned over night.  It takes time to "step out of the traffic" (Psalm 46:10) and learn new patterns of thinking, beliefs and attitudes. 

Today, I learned that the first step to changing an old habit is "Willingness".  Knowing that "Willingness doesn't give us the knowledge to solve the problem, but it may give us the energy to leave our isolation and seek out others with the knowledge.  It is the seed wanting to break through the soil to see the light of day, to be what it is meant to be." (from the meditation book "God Grant Me")

Today, I am learning that my reinstalled confidence to trust in my ability to be faithful and keep the promises I make to my Higher Power and to others start with my own faithfulness in keeping the promises I make to myself. 

Last week, and only after one day from arriving home for my first vacation in a long very tiring and exhausting working year.   A friend of mine asked me to accompany her on a road trip for a one day concert she is part of.  She was excited for us to spend time together and finally catch up.  I said Ok. Only to woke up the next day unsurprisingly, both very sleepy and extremely exhausted, not believing that I am still to go on a 6 hours bus ride with a bunch of screaming, raging teenagers, and then be present to support my friend and hear her sing.  I so much graved the quietness and comfortableness of my own bed.  And flirted with the idea of apologizing from this trip, I knew she might probably not be all that heart broken or devastated if I did not join after all her co-vocalist is her best friend and I was only invited because this concert kept cancelling itself over and over until I arrived.

Finally I dragged myself off bed,  knowing that I could very much probably be right that it is not necessary for me to go, but it was Important, for I have given my word.  And I am learning to be Faithful.  

I find that it is still a high risk situation and completely out of my comfort zone to be consciously willingly to subject myself to the risk of being rejected, disapproved of or blamed.  And it is much easer to send myself on an EGO trip and try to fix everyone's problem and be everything to everyone regardless of the consequences I bring on myself.  

I find myself automatically attempting to talk myself out of following the financial plan I set for myself, using all the deeply installed weapons of self destruction of guilting and shaming myself, wondering what really is the harm of taking another undesirable call from the collection officer, paying that insignificant delay fee and/or simply ignore depositing my savings for this month.  There is always a next month to stick to the plan!

Today, I am learning to listen carefully to the promises I made to myself, those of loving, honoring, cherishing, respecting, disciplining and taking care of me.

Today, I will ask my Higher Power's help to make my commitments and keep the promises I made to myself.  

Today, I know I am the Adult in my own life, and I am faithful. 

      "When God wanted to guarantee his promises, he gave his word, a rock-solid guarantee—" (Heb 6:17)

My Jealous God

Therefore my people will know my name; therefore in that day they will know that it is I who foretold it.  

Yes, it is I." --- (Isaiah 52:6)

Yesterday my spiritual daughter picked me up in her new car and we went for a ride, we sat down and caught up on all that went on when I was away.  My focus was on one thing, my girl has a beautiful brand new car.  I knew her when she was still in her first intermediate years at school with her beautiful short green school dress.   I introduced her to a life with God, and she introduced me to the rest of her family.  Few months later her father passed away and all their life seem to have gone down the drain.  The father died of a sudden heart attack and they lost their money as well, they went from a well doing elite family to a powerless fatherless kids living with a housewife widow, depending on the stingy uncle.

I cried for days and nights over her and her family, over the injustice of this life, I often thought and prayed out loud, if their father was alive they were not to be in such need or have to go through such scarcity.  A few months ago she had to do a very critical operation and the stingy uncle (who owns a hospital by the way) was arguing the postponement of this operation so she could be transferred to a less skilled but cheaper doctor.  My heart was broken and devastated.

By the grace of God, right on time she had the best available doctor operate on her.  She recovered well, experienced the presence and company of God as never before.  And shortly after that, she got a promoted at her job and bought a pretty brand new car.

As I sat in tears giving praise and worship to God for his faithful provision and unfailing love that never forsakes nor leaves us.  I remembered my other friend, who had a fall out in a bad relationship with an unfaithful fellow who unfortunately was even her spiritual leader.  Left her on her own with an unwanted child and a family who comes from a strict background who would not hesitate to even kill her or at least expose her to shame and humiliation for the rest of her life.  The experience was a shock on so many levels, I broke down before God and started doubting all that claims to be righteous.  Till the pastor of her church took notice and took my friend into his home with his wife, introduced her to many options, and offered her the most proper and gracious help and support that not even her own family or friends could have ever done not even if the situation was different and legit.  She had an operation and seemed to have turned the leaf.  I was still practicing my own pattern of worrying how would she continue her life, even if this part seem to have been covered well, what is next, how can she be restored or experience the joy of redemption. 

A young faithful guy soon took notice of her, and expressed his interest to marry her.  She shared this with her Pastor who took liberty to meet with the guy and right upfront told him how much this young lady means to him and his wife, and she is family.  If this guy thinks he is worthy to treat her with honor and respect he has to prove that to them.   The guy grew more found of my friend he was told the whole story but by no means was it made sound as if she was defected and he would be as if doing her a favor.  But the Pastor was clear that this girl is precious and favored in the eyes of God and whoever to be with her would be greatly blessed. 

A grand wedding was held with honor and glory.  You could spot me from anywhere in the church hall, I was the one crying my eye balls out and praising God.  For the invitees I was "the wired black girlfriend of the bride" LOL :-D

I was reminded today of many other stories of my friend who was trapped in an abusive marriage with an addict who was the first man she ever knew and fell in love with.  She was stuck literally incapable to make a change.  I stood powerless myself, hands tight thinking God I can't even start thinking of a way out.  Only few months later my friend's addict husband unfortunately passed away, and my friend left the country, months and months later she fell in love with this amazing spiritual, kind and dedicated fellow, she got married and had a beautiful young kid.

Dozens of similar stories, make me stand today before my Higher Power wondering with Jeremiah and the popular song "Who can speak and have it happen if the Lord has not decreed it?" -- (Lamentations 3:37)

Today I examine my life and see all that seems to be dying, drying, stuck, irreversible, and/or impossible and I just stop, stand still and know that you, my Lord are God!

Today, I look at my country, my situations, my life, my family and friends and wonder: Does it seem impossible in this world economics to find the right job, the right house, the proper living? Does it seem too late to find the Right Partner? To have a Child? To make a Family? Does it seem out of this world to think of a debt free and prosperous life, no credit cards attached?

Today, I know that I am going to see God's favor in a greater way.

Today, I hear my Higher Power telling me Awake, awake, ... clothe yourself with strength. Put on your garments of splendor....  Shake off your dust; rise up, sit enthroned, ... Free yourself from the chains on your neck,... --- (Isaiah 52:1-3)

"No longer will they call you Deserted, or name your land Desolate. But you will be called Hephzibah, and your land Beulah; for the Lord will take delight in you, and your land will be married" --- (Isaiah 62:4)

Faithful Compassion

"And without faith it is impossible to please God..." Hebrews 11:6

I read once that "it is the quality of faith and not the quantity that matters".  When I think about faith, I think of my ability to surrender, and how sometimes it is easier to do so than at other times.  For some reason whenever we try to encourage one another and urge ourselves to have faith, we tend to often speak of how much God is capable and powerful and make it sounds as if our lack of faith (ability to surrender) is a clear disbelief in the power of God to Do.  Though I think it might greatly help to meditate more on the fact that "God Wants" as much as "God Can".  


Whenever I am going through some trouble, I often reach out to the people around me or whoever I think might be able to help out.  Like when I am looking to change my job, I make a list of all my friends and people in my network who are connected and have resources in the job market, thinking that they would probably be able to help.  
I send e-mails, make phone calls and meet with some, and I find that though many would not have the ability to help, only few would go out of the way to think of someone who would. 


The same goes for me, whenever a friend of mine is stuck somewhere and in need of a lift home, a place to stay or make an urgent payment, I might not be able to help on my own, but I am sure to go all out and find the right people and resources to solve my friends' problems and bail them out of trouble.  


I find that I share this quality with some treasured friends, the compassion to not be able to see someone suffer and stand back hands tight when they reach for help.  We make sure we examined all our resources and then even go out of our way to be of help. 


Today, when faced with a problem that is out of my control, I remind myself to bring it before my Higher Power, He would not be able to see my pleads, cries and pain and look the other way.  


Today, from the sealing of the high obstacles and the roof of pains and sufferings I bring down my friends, dear ones and needs before my Higher Power.  For He has compassion. (Matthew 9:36; 14:14; Luke 7:13-14)

Filled with compassion, Jesus reached out his hand and touched the man. "I am willing," he said. "Be clean!" -- (Mark 1:41)

Watching Over You

 "Will instruct you and teach you in the way you should go;
       I will counsel you and watch over you"-- Psalm 32:8


I am learning a new way to live.  I am coming to believe that recognizing and acknowledging my unique talents and skills is not a synonym to arrogant pride or ego mania.  


The more I learn to see myself the way my God sees me, the more I feel connected to life that I no longer satisfied by mere survival but more interested in living it to the full.


It is true that during the tough and challenging episodes of my life I sought peace by resonating to isolation and laying low in an attempt to bent and not break.  Now I realize that ignoring to identify and explore my choices is like being a factory that operates only 20% of its machinery. It is walking everyday the fine line between submission and surrender.   


In a failed attempt to convey this thought to my boss, I ended up having a text book miscommunication meeting.  I made me thinking to quit sound as if it was for a completely different and self centered reason.  On his part, as my boss tried to express his belief in my place within the organization he told me and I quote "I know you are a talented and sensitive writer and I am aware of your potential and where you could reach".  


His words were weird in a funny way because it held no meaning or value.  They held no real promise, and offered no relief for I am still to continue doing the same job that is not related to my skills or "sensitive talents" and conveyed no desire or vision to place me somewhere else where they could be utilized. 


Remembering what my friend once said on how our Higher Power uses people's words to communicate his mind and heart with us even when they do not realize it or wish to.  Those words held a different, more precious meaning and value coming from the God of my understanding.  For I know that He "knows" me and all my skills, talents, experiences, potential, fear, knowledge and heart desires and He definitely knows where and how far I could go.  


Today, I know that though I am powerless to make my life and circumstances the way I want them to be, my Higher Power is simply not.  Today I trust that all things in my life work out together in accordance to His will, leading me to where I need to be.  Today I know that I am always at the right place and at the right time.


Today, I know I am not alone. 

The Light of the Truth

You have made known to me the path of life;
       you will fill me with joy in your presence,
       with eternal pleasures at your right hand. -- Psalm 16:11


The first time I found out that the person I liked so much likes me back, I was 22 years old and I was in a hotel room in the 13th floor in Istanbul.  I was so overwhelmingly happy and I was jumping up and down on the bed and singing praises for God.  


Obviously, I did not end up with that amazing person.  But I experienced the joy of being in love with the right person.  It was made known to me, what being joyfully in love is like.  I met other people after that, and tried out many relationships.  I don't always know what it is, but I most of the time know for certain what it is not.  I cannot go through life pretending to never know what being joyfully in love is like.  

When I left my second job, I knew this is not what I wanted to do, but I had a very limited experience and knowledge of other market options available for someone with my qualifications and skills.  I knew I wanted to do something different, not quite sure what it is, I made a list of what I want to see and have in a job and recorded it in my prayer book.  Then 8 months later, after being so frustrated and tired for being out of work for so long, I had THE golden opportunity and I started the best job that offered me a career opportunity for the next coming 7 years and everything was not only what I asked for but much more.  

After that project ended I had other job opportunities and some were really great and others were not.  I could tell now because I had known "what fits" feels like. 

I have experienced God's healing presence, fulfilling joy, satisfying grace, protective peace and guiding light.  I do face challenges now and then but I can not pretend to live in the darkness of fear and despair.

"I can surely sin but can't afford to enjoy it any more".

Today, I dedicate my life to Truth, Love, Peace and Happiness.  

Grateful Attitude ... "Massah and Meribah!"

I have a journal in which I record the things I am praying for, the things I am aspiring for or having problems with, and I sign the date underneath.   

It brings me great insight and perspective to revisit those entries from time to another. 

My eyes are suddenly opened to see that what seemed to be a sudden interrupting situation is more like a pattern that keeps regenerating into my life over and over taking different forms and shapes.  

While what seemed to be a heavy, mysterious time in the past is now so insignificant and trivial that I wish to take a time machine and tell myself to snap out of it or simply to get a life, which apparently I did at some point if this is how I feel. 

Each time I made an entry in my prayer book I was not satisfied in a way or another with where I was and that’s why I took the time to pause and ask for change. 

Taking a step back and looking at my life through those entries is like looking into the crystal ball of time.  To see who I am in the inside; my state of mind and heart and my attitudes as I stood there in that holy land of "the in between" and aspired a "cross-over".  

I start reacting to my life the same way I do when I read the story of the people Moses lead out of Egypt.  

A reluctant exclamation mark arises when I observe how they reacted to being pursued by Pharaoh and his army terrified and cried out saying "Was it because there were no graves in Egypt that you brought us to the desert to die?" -- Exodus 14:11

Shortly the exclamation mark multiply joined with dozens of question marks and a very loud REALLY???????!!!!!! When the same people who just experienced the grandest miracle of all times in crossing the sea are grumbling "If only we had died by the LORD's hand in Egypt! There we sat around pots of meat and ate all the food we wanted, but you have brought us out into this desert to starve this entire assembly to death." -- Exodus 16:3

I start to see the "Rock" in Massah and Meribah (Exodus 17:6-7); But I am not sure if it is the rock that was stricken or the hearts that were hardened when the same people who crossed the river and were fed by the rains of bread and meat are now quarrelling and testing God because they are thirsty!!!

Life is a journey, and my journey is filled with seas to be crossed, hunger to be satisfied and thirst to be filled.  

Today, I come with joy and thanksgiving in my heart, taking out my old attitude of suspicion of the unknown and what still to come.  Realizing that the land on which I am standing is holy.  

Today, in this infinite moment of my life,  I joyfully celebrate that I am going to experience God's favor in a greater way. Today, I trust that I am going to overcome every obstacle and defeat every enemy.