Watching Over You

 "Will instruct you and teach you in the way you should go;
       I will counsel you and watch over you"-- Psalm 32:8


I am learning a new way to live.  I am coming to believe that recognizing and acknowledging my unique talents and skills is not a synonym to arrogant pride or ego mania.  


The more I learn to see myself the way my God sees me, the more I feel connected to life that I no longer satisfied by mere survival but more interested in living it to the full.


It is true that during the tough and challenging episodes of my life I sought peace by resonating to isolation and laying low in an attempt to bent and not break.  Now I realize that ignoring to identify and explore my choices is like being a factory that operates only 20% of its machinery. It is walking everyday the fine line between submission and surrender.   


In a failed attempt to convey this thought to my boss, I ended up having a text book miscommunication meeting.  I made me thinking to quit sound as if it was for a completely different and self centered reason.  On his part, as my boss tried to express his belief in my place within the organization he told me and I quote "I know you are a talented and sensitive writer and I am aware of your potential and where you could reach".  


His words were weird in a funny way because it held no meaning or value.  They held no real promise, and offered no relief for I am still to continue doing the same job that is not related to my skills or "sensitive talents" and conveyed no desire or vision to place me somewhere else where they could be utilized. 


Remembering what my friend once said on how our Higher Power uses people's words to communicate his mind and heart with us even when they do not realize it or wish to.  Those words held a different, more precious meaning and value coming from the God of my understanding.  For I know that He "knows" me and all my skills, talents, experiences, potential, fear, knowledge and heart desires and He definitely knows where and how far I could go.  


Today, I know that though I am powerless to make my life and circumstances the way I want them to be, my Higher Power is simply not.  Today I trust that all things in my life work out together in accordance to His will, leading me to where I need to be.  Today I know that I am always at the right place and at the right time.


Today, I know I am not alone. 

The Light of the Truth

You have made known to me the path of life;
       you will fill me with joy in your presence,
       with eternal pleasures at your right hand. -- Psalm 16:11


The first time I found out that the person I liked so much likes me back, I was 22 years old and I was in a hotel room in the 13th floor in Istanbul.  I was so overwhelmingly happy and I was jumping up and down on the bed and singing praises for God.  


Obviously, I did not end up with that amazing person.  But I experienced the joy of being in love with the right person.  It was made known to me, what being joyfully in love is like.  I met other people after that, and tried out many relationships.  I don't always know what it is, but I most of the time know for certain what it is not.  I cannot go through life pretending to never know what being joyfully in love is like.  

When I left my second job, I knew this is not what I wanted to do, but I had a very limited experience and knowledge of other market options available for someone with my qualifications and skills.  I knew I wanted to do something different, not quite sure what it is, I made a list of what I want to see and have in a job and recorded it in my prayer book.  Then 8 months later, after being so frustrated and tired for being out of work for so long, I had THE golden opportunity and I started the best job that offered me a career opportunity for the next coming 7 years and everything was not only what I asked for but much more.  

After that project ended I had other job opportunities and some were really great and others were not.  I could tell now because I had known "what fits" feels like. 

I have experienced God's healing presence, fulfilling joy, satisfying grace, protective peace and guiding light.  I do face challenges now and then but I can not pretend to live in the darkness of fear and despair.

"I can surely sin but can't afford to enjoy it any more".

Today, I dedicate my life to Truth, Love, Peace and Happiness.  

Grateful Attitude ... "Massah and Meribah!"

I have a journal in which I record the things I am praying for, the things I am aspiring for or having problems with, and I sign the date underneath.   

It brings me great insight and perspective to revisit those entries from time to another. 

My eyes are suddenly opened to see that what seemed to be a sudden interrupting situation is more like a pattern that keeps regenerating into my life over and over taking different forms and shapes.  

While what seemed to be a heavy, mysterious time in the past is now so insignificant and trivial that I wish to take a time machine and tell myself to snap out of it or simply to get a life, which apparently I did at some point if this is how I feel. 

Each time I made an entry in my prayer book I was not satisfied in a way or another with where I was and that’s why I took the time to pause and ask for change. 

Taking a step back and looking at my life through those entries is like looking into the crystal ball of time.  To see who I am in the inside; my state of mind and heart and my attitudes as I stood there in that holy land of "the in between" and aspired a "cross-over".  

I start reacting to my life the same way I do when I read the story of the people Moses lead out of Egypt.  

A reluctant exclamation mark arises when I observe how they reacted to being pursued by Pharaoh and his army terrified and cried out saying "Was it because there were no graves in Egypt that you brought us to the desert to die?" -- Exodus 14:11

Shortly the exclamation mark multiply joined with dozens of question marks and a very loud REALLY???????!!!!!! When the same people who just experienced the grandest miracle of all times in crossing the sea are grumbling "If only we had died by the LORD's hand in Egypt! There we sat around pots of meat and ate all the food we wanted, but you have brought us out into this desert to starve this entire assembly to death." -- Exodus 16:3

I start to see the "Rock" in Massah and Meribah (Exodus 17:6-7); But I am not sure if it is the rock that was stricken or the hearts that were hardened when the same people who crossed the river and were fed by the rains of bread and meat are now quarrelling and testing God because they are thirsty!!!

Life is a journey, and my journey is filled with seas to be crossed, hunger to be satisfied and thirst to be filled.  

Today, I come with joy and thanksgiving in my heart, taking out my old attitude of suspicion of the unknown and what still to come.  Realizing that the land on which I am standing is holy.  

Today, in this infinite moment of my life,  I joyfully celebrate that I am going to experience God's favor in a greater way. Today, I trust that I am going to overcome every obstacle and defeat every enemy. 

Joyfully Loving Myself More

- "God heard their groaning and he remembered his covenant with Abraham, with Isaac and with Jacob. So God looked on the Israelites and was concerned about them." (Exodus 2:24-25)

- (Didn't we say to you in Egypt, 'Leave us alone; let us serve the Egyptians'? It would have been better for us to serve the Egyptians than to die in the desert!" - Exodus 14:12)  

- "A new command I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another." John 13:34 

I am so grateful to hear God say, love one another as I have loved you, rather than leave it at "love your neighbor as yourself" (matthew 19:19).  

How do I love myself? Am I someone that I want to be my own neighbor and love me the way I love myself? 

I feel uncomfortable sharing the potential growth of a relationship or a job with certain people.  Not because I am afraid they will be envious but on the contrary, because I know they care so much for me and want me to settle down, that in the process they forget to care for my well being.  

I used to go crazy when someone tries to shovel someone or a situation down my throat.  It took a spiritual awakening for me to realize that people love others the way they love themselves.  They stay too long in a very uncomfortable situations because it is safer.  Working where one feels enslaved, unappreciated or even humiliated is Ok more than risking to be unemployed.  As long as someone says "I Love You", it doesn't matter if the relationship is abusive or if he/she lies or is hurtful in anyway, it's a safer bet than risking to be alone. 

I like to be honored, respected and cherished and someone who does not love themselves this way, would definitely be unable to show another differently. 

Today, I know that it is ok to love myself more than what others see as a good enough love for me. 

Today, I want to learn with joy to love myself more and more everyday, till I become someone I desire to be loved by.  Only then, would I be a neighbor, a friend and someone whose love is desired and invited into others lives. 

Nothing Happens by Mistake

"I Know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future" - Jeremiah 29:11


I love this verse, so does everyone who reads or hears it.  It's so comforting, it puts my mind and heart at ease about my future.  So, does this one:"Before I formed you in the womb I knew you, before you were born I set you apart; I appointed you as a prophet to the nations." - Jeremiah 1:5

A question in my self-help workbook read: "Can you accept for today that things are exactly the way they are supposed to be and that nothing happens by mistake in God's world?"

I have a tendency to "A"s my tests, so I often guess what the "prefect" answer is and I will say it, feel it and write it.  Yet, I paused in front of this one...  If I really accept that nothing happens by mistake in God's world then I accept that it was by no mistake that by father was an Alcoholic, or all the things that happened to me during my childhood and my adolescence were either. 

Then ALL was calculated and somehow happened exactly the way they are supposed to!!! REALLY... I think I had to take a sip of water and put my pen down for a while on this one.  

Do I accept that my Higher Power, The God of my understanding who knows me before I was formed in the womb and had all those good plans laid out for me, also by no mistake knew the bad ones that I had to go through?!!

As I was making a list of all the things that happened to me, I began to write on how it was only because of what I have been through that I tended to make the choices that I have made and meet the people that I have met who ended up leading me to the spiritual program I worked, to places and people who introduced me to God and it is how I found my path to spirituality.  It was because of those moments in which I questioned my purpose and my existence that I discovered my mission and my vision, that introduced me to the perfect friends who complements my life, who inspired me to knock on new doors, travel new places and explore unimagined horizons. 

Today, I accept that things are exactly the way they are supposed to be.  I again take comfort and rejoice in knowing that nothing happens by mistake in God's world.  

The Rule & the Exception

"Resist him, standing firm in the faith, because you know that your brothers throughout the world are undergoing the same kind of sufferings." 1 Peter 5:9

It seems like a comforting idea to know that we are not standing alone, we are not the only ones suffering, that people all around are experiencing the same version of life we are having.  Yet, somehow this idea emerges from bringing comfort and encouragement for us to reach out and find support and condolence in the experiences of others, to becoming another version of what our destiny should look like.  

Suddenly, it is acceptable for work to be a place of struggle, for women to be single parents/providers even if they have men in their lives, for love to be painful and for certain category of people only to aspire certain areas and aspects of life. 

Behind my inspiration and motivation to pursue a spiritual path, seeking serenity through change of my beliefs and thinking was a friend of mine who pursued the same path years ago, while going through an extremely difficult personal time in her life.  I watched as my friend went through a very rough both emotionally and physically abusive marriage, she got divorced then back again, lost a pregnancy and finally her husband died.  It all seemed so much to take, I was heartbroken and devastated just watching that happening to her and she was only 25 years old.  Nevertheless, she kept close to her spiritual/life coach through it all, doing all that is necessary and required until one day, it was obvious that her life was changing.  She was more serene, more sane and met a lovely husband and had a beautiful child, moved to a better job, a new country and a new home.  I always remember her and give thanks for her every time she crosses my mind.  

I also often reflect on my mom at the age of 45 when she decided to restart her life with three kids and an elderly mother, no job, no house in a new country and a new culture. 

Somehow, I find courage, motivation and inspiration in those examples when faced with new challenges or aspiring new horizons.  If it worked for them, it can very much work for me as well. 

One friend who is going now through marital problems sat in my living room reflecting on her family and realized that every female relative she can think of is encountering a relationship hardship of a sort.  It seemed that a legacy being passed down to them and could not be escaped. 

In the same day, another friend of mine, who is an awesome and amazingly talented writer, sent me a link to a new blog he started, saying how he got inspired by mine and he was finally encouraged to start his own.  

To have those two incidents happen in the same hour of the same day, was a coincidence I was not able or ready to ignore.  I realized how we form our beliefs because of what we observe in the lives of those around us and it becomes a personal truth to what is possible.

I realized that today I am the statistic my friends, cousins, younger brother and nephew are looking at to form an opinion on their lives. 

Today, I have the opportunity to be someone's hope and reference in times of trouble, confusion or hardship, they too can stand before God and say, it seems hard and almost impossible but we have seen it work.  

I choose to open my eyes and see what is working around me and work it.  I choose to believe that it could happen for me too, that goodness and abundance is available for me today.  

In the infinity of life where I am, all is perfect, whole and complete.