The Triumph of the Silent Wait

Today I had a dream that my abusers/transgressors poisoned all those I know who are in their circle about me, and now everyone has a faulted idea about me, and because I choose to keep my distance and not expose my them to anyone and everyone who would listen, my story is not told and my voice was not heard and the the truth is gone forever; leaving only their version of what they choose to tell!

I woke up in panic confused about what action to take and quickly. For the grace of God, I made a decision to first calm and collect myself before my guiding Holy Spirit. And my Higher Power being The God of order who I know Him to be didn't fail to deliver.

As I took a deeper look within myself I started to recognize that my panic and discomfort with my dream was feeling all too familiar, it's my same rooted need to be believed, acknowledged and approved of, which is too strong within me that the idea of existing with the knowledge that somewhere, someone is not impressed with me, finds me faulty and does not approve of me or my ways is a too heavier burden to live with, so I keep trying to fix it till I faint.

It all became so clear to me then, this crazy circle of viciousness is why I seeked healing and recovery in the first place; And It's how I was introduced to my first step to making peace with myself, God and my world around me; Admitting that my Spirit (Mind, Heart and Will) is diseased!
That I am powerless over the effects of the dysfunctional diseased world/people that my life had become unmanageable.

I was then reminded that to truly seek healing and recovery for my diseased spirit/life my first and most important tool is Honesty, and to remain Honest to oneself and God I have to examine my heart and my ways forcing myself to see and admit that to seek those in the circle of my Abusers/Transgressors in order to tell everyone my tales of wows and expose their wickdness is not only gossip but an attempt for personal vengeance in hope to create turbulence and turmoil in their lives just as they did in mine.

And in my path of seeking help and healing for my diseased spirit, hoping to recover it "Whole" again, I came to believe that a Higher Power greater than myself, a loving God as I understand Him could restore me to sanity. And will avenge my life "for the vengeance is His,says the Lord"!

So however hard the silent stand and wait is, in my path to recovery and the seeking of healing in the presence of God there are no short cuts, no manipulation of people or events nor any delusion of control urging attempts to manipulate God, time or the seasons of life;
In this long, narrow road of healing, wisdom and recovery there is only the truth of living one day at a time assuming the commitment we made when "we made a decision to surrender/turn over our lives and our will to the care of our Higher Power, our loving God as we understand Him! 

5 Breads and 2 Fish

I have been in the job market for many years now and have gone to many more interviews in the process.  Naturally, I became the go to for interviews prepping for my friends, what questions to expect; and regardless of the job that stereotype question of "Where do you see yourself in 5 or 10 years" is always to count for. 

It seems that every employer together with every TV Ad are concerned with where will we be in five years, our retirement plan, or our life insurance plan even; And we wonder why anxiety pills are in high demand, can anyone blame or judge, a generation that is being taught everyday that their present was created for their future, that who they are today doesn't matter or at least not quite relevant or enough, it's their future selves that the world is interested in!

While all this is a big hoax, we still take the bait.  We become anxious, greedy, selfish, self centered, self absorbed and addicts to one thing or another. And if we realized this about ourselves and but for the grace of God were shocked and/or disgusted with the version of ourselves that we have become, we only start seeking remedy for the symptom/s not the disease. 

Today, I meditated in the miracle of the Five Breads and Two Fish (Mark 6:41),  and it made me remember another similar miracle in the Old Testament (1 Kings 17: 7 - 16) with Elijah and the widow from Zarepath about the flour and the olive oil, which in turn reminded me of one of my favourite miracles of them all, one that is recognized in many faiths and beliefs; About The Manna and the Quail with Moses and the Israelites (Exodus 16).

I love the three miracles and the story about how God complete our shortcomings and fulfill our needs, but today as I meditated in the three miracles again, I came to realize that the keyword that is the code to deciphering the message told through the three stories in my opinion are in Moses words "No one is to keep any of it until morning" (Ex 16:19) 

The funny part, which we all pretend to be discontent and disgusted with as if our anxious, pill popping selves of today could do any better in the circumstances, they definitely kept for tomorrow, and Voala as the French say, it "was full of maggots and began to smell". 

True our bank savings, and insurance plans don't rotten or smell, but I wonder which parts of us do?! Yet, can we really look someone who is asking us about what insurance/retirement plan is best, or how to SMART measure an answer for the where do you see yourself in 5 or 10 years, that the Present is all that matter, and we have and who we are today is quite Enough!
The truth is there two different answers for two different lifestyles with two different life choices governed by totally two different gods.  Yes, I have said it, two different gods.  
I don't mean to offend or wish to shock but for the sake of honesty does the god in whom we seek the answers of "More Now, Bigger Now, Insurance Spare Now, who looks more like the wealthy lawyer in the "Devil's Advocate" movie with the fur coat and a gold chain necklace, who fills your life with models, triple your bank account in a jiff and promote you every other day; resembles in any sense the sandals wearing man who's idea of a mass feeding meal is 5 Breads and 2 fish? Didn't think so!
Today, I rethink both these stories and my life in a different light, I receive the invitation of my God as I understand him to a serene personal relationship telling me that I Matter, My life as it is today is Relevant and both my 5 Breads and 2 Fish and I are enough to satisfy not just one but five thousand more if willing to join!

"Mark 6: 41 - 44"
41Taking the five loaves and the two fish and looking up to heaven, he gave thanks and broke the loaves. Then he gave them to his disciples to distribute to the people. He also divided the two fish among them all42They all ate and were satisfied43and the disciples picked up twelve basketful of broken pieces of bread and fish44The number of the men who had eaten was five thousand.

Respect the Disease

"But you, Timothy, man of God: Run for your life from all this.  Pursue a righteous life-a life of wonder, faith, love, steadiness, courtesy." 1 Timothy 6:11

When members of the 12 steps program of AA "Alcoholic Anonymous" define Alcoholism they describe it as a physical compulsion, coupled with a mental obsession.  We mean that we had a distinct physical desire to consume alcohol beyond our capacity to control it, and in defiance of all the rules of common sense.  We not only had an abnormal craving for alcohol, but we frequently yielded to it at the worst possible times.  We did not know when (or how) to stop drinking.  --- (AA Glossary)
Because AA considers Alcoholism to be a disease and not an "Undesirable Habit/Behavior", members in learning to recover developed a saying to reminder themselves not to take this disease of Alcoholism lightly and in the process put themselves in compromised positions lest they get harmed by slipping once again into the undesirable habit, they say "Respect the Disease".  If one took it seriously and respected the outcomes of its episodes a life of serenity is possible and attainable.  Just like a diabetic or someone with allergies going through life following a certain diet of avoiding certain food/beverages.  
There are many forms and sizes of a Disease it does not necessary fatal, permanent or contagious, for  having a cold is a disease and so is Malaria.  Respecting the disease is knowing that one is seriously complaining and hurting of something and even if in some cases the pain is not at the surface that does not mean it is not there, so precaution is recommended. Sometimes, diseases are not apparent, commonly acknowledged and openly recognized.  There are emotional diseases, one could be experiencing a heart ache after a break up, or suffering with a relationship, or have people problems at work or ones community.
I thought about this phrase today as I sat in excruciating pain in my lower back and shoulders because of some silly inconsiderate actions from my part, like sitting glued to my computer or to a book while in my bed, bending my back the wrong way to pick something from the floor over and over, or carrying something heavy against my doctor instructions who advised me against that and gave me a list of positions to avoid and others to maintain because of the problem I have wit"six" discs in both my neck and back.  
I know that instead of bending 90 degrees I could have simply bent my knees and used my legs like a mattress/chairs springs to go down pick something and come back up, sparing my back the inevitable pain from the accumulated misuse and abuse, and putting my body literally in compromised positions.  
I think ones heart, relationship, people problems, financial stresses or behavioral issues like temper/jealousy could also sometimes experience a disease.  It is up to me to decide whether to take my acknowledge that I have a disease or remain in denial, and if I acknowledged it like the first step of the 12 steps program do I take it seriously or do I carry in my denial by undermining it's strength to bring me down.  
As I was looking for the exact definition of Alcoholism on the internet I stumbled on one of AA forums and one member posted a comment sharing his/her (members are anonymous) thoughts about some person who have been in recovery so long still comes regularly and participate in those forums so the commentator wondered why is this great person who have been in recovery for so long still come to meetings even online ones, and how that thought was an instant reminder that This Disease (Alcoholism) has no respect!
Diseases have no respect, they don't care what gender, age, or circumstances in life one is going through. They Happen! It is up to me to properly evaluate the situation and what is going on with ones life and make the decision to what to do about it, a.k.a "Respect my Disease"!!

While We Wait...

"Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds, for you know the testing of faith produces steadfastness.  And let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing".  (James 1:2-4)

I took an acting class once and in the first session the instructor asked us to a strange exercise that is supposed to help us to get to know each other and form a connection.  He asked us to roam the room in intertwined circles gazing at each others eyes, locking eyes who intertwine with us and we fix a stare with whom we feel a connection and we introduce ourselves quickly and in a bit strange for me to say the least, to say my first name and say "One" thing that I sums up what I like and another single thing that I most despise. 

It was very challenging to find one thing that sums all that I like and another of what I most despise.  Yet, after I intertwined and locked eyes with most of new colleagues, I finally felt a real connection with someone though we never met, and I just said it "I am Sue, I Love Butterflies and I Hate Waiting"!

It was true, I SUCK at waiting, but who is good at waiting?!!, and what's up with the "WAITING" anyway!! Every scent of wisdom urges us to wait patiently for things to come in time.. It is there in the Bible, "There is a time for everything under the sun".  

We know it, we believe it, we say it to others to console and encourage, but why, and when is overwhelming while we wait.  

Today, I see that the thing with WAITING is not about the impossibility of what we are anticipating and wishing for, as people of faith  we believe that it is possible and that it is ours, and will come to pass; Whether it was meeting the right person, or getting someone to take notice, or feel strongly about my interests, or reforming a system in ones place of work or even setting right the Constitution or the Country. 

Today , I realize that it is not about how long "It Takes" but rather how I hold myself, my soul, my integrity, my truth, my feelings to the person I am longing for, my joy, My Power! 

Today, I know that seeing oneself as a victim of time to decide ones fate or destiny makes one feels useless, and useless people can not find a way out!!

Today, I wait with joy, with complete ownership of my power knowing that "Waiting" for anything is a quest, a journey and a test to urge ones soul.. only not to give up! 

So keep the Faith .. as the great Bon Jovi says and hold tight to ones Joy!  

"And let us not grow weary of doing good, for in due season we will reap, if we do not give up". --(Galatians 6:9)

Not Issac But More!

I remember reading very long ago this book about the story of Abraham sacrificing his only son upon God's request.  The book's title was "Not Issac But More", I don't remember all what it said now, I am sure it was about trusting God with our all.. but I never forget the title though.

I prayed for many years what now I see as a routine prayer that "God I put before you my all".. "I am all accessible to you God".. "Use my every being, my finances, my relationship, my family, my home, my work.. nothing is *of no  limit* when it comes to you God".  And I thought I knew what I was saying and what it  implicated.  I did put in the past "on the Alter" many relationships, trips, jobs and stuff I wanted, just like Abraham and I would think, I never withheld something from God, no matter how hard I wanted to be with that person, or go on that trip or do this Job, I did pray.. didn't I, that "God I put it before you in the Alter" Its my precious Issac that I don't consider it to be more precious than you.

But it wasn't the same, was it?!! Because deep down everything I claim to have put in the Alter before God I had a *gut feeling* or at least a suspicion (even if it was just a probability) that it might not be the best thing out there for me!  But Abraham didn't consider his son to be *may be not a good thing for him*; He was a God-given!! He believed and saw it happen in a miraculous way, having him was an Awe to many around him as well.

Today, I see myself in a God-given relationship I am so blessed to have mat me when I find myself being challenged in all those things with irrational forces that is messing with the course of things and putting pressure from all the possible sides.  I find that I am compelled to run for my dear life, to cry out for this to end. "Please God, I know that all those things are from your gifts to me, I tested them before you and I can't for the life in me see why should they be disturbed now.  I want to do something, change this, get out of that disturbing place that keeps generate an awkward energy, quit that job, change those circles, burn those bridges, break off with those deeply disturbed people in my life who mess with my mere existence.
And I sit there at the same time, like a parrot repeating my prayer God I put before you my finances, my marriage, my relationships, my home, my work.. my all!! And I get one of those "Aha" moments, God did take my prayers seriously, he is answering my prayers, He is accessing my life because I gave Him permission too!

Today, I realize that neither my marriage, finances, job, relationships, family or home is *off limits* to you God.  Nothing is a *Red Line* uncross-able to God as I often pray.  I can and probably will always have people, and things who barge into my private life, and test me and challenge me to bring out the compassion, love, patience, tolerance, acceptance, faith and hope out of me. 


Today, I realize that its not those private dear things in my life that are in question, God *doesn't want or need them* and definitely doesn't enjoy making me suffer through them for sport... It is not my Issac being in the Alter that He is after, it is not some old weird "suffering loving" worship kind of thing, that gets off on us putting our offspring through fire to please the gods!; But it is "the endurance produced by the suffering, that produces character and the hope that comes from that" (Romans 5:3) is sole purpose and objective.

Today, I sit in my prayer corner and I enjoy my new learned inline meaning of my words as I say "God I put before you my all" nothing is off limit to you.. use my life, my resources, my circles, my relationships, my love, my talents, my expertise for your glory.

Figuring It Out With The Inner Joseph

Joseph, chagrined but noble, determined to take care of things quietly so Mary would not be disgraced. While he was trying to figure a way out, he had a dream. God's angel spoke in the dream: "Joseph, son of David, don't hesitate to get married"... -- Mat 1: 19 - 20 


I was talking with a friend of mine the other day on commitment issues, and his first natural response was "no one willingly runs to be imprisoned".  We debated the sense of being committed to a relationship, or a job or a vision and how it depends on how long we have been at the other end that with time we start realizing that we all want to have stable, sustainable commitments, we are only worried to make the wrong choices; We are Afraid! 


I thought about a proper prayer for commitment and the story of Joseph and Mary came to mind, He was noble, yet that did not contradict the fact that he is human.  He got cold feet, it wasn't fear of responsibility, it was new data being sprinkled on him; It was the fact that suddenly it seemed that he might be about to bite more than he could chew; He does love Mary but with the idea of a baby (let alone one that she claims was "supernaturally" conceived).  I believe he was facing that moment of fight or flight and obviously his guts was telling him that flight was not a very bad option. 


Fear of commitment can take many forms, shapes and sizes, with fears of relationships, marriage, being good parents, good employers or employees... that still shakes us to the core.  


I confess I have a severe flight tendencies, I don't want to be hurt and in my mind my flight is rationalized by my selfless, considerate attempt to not be a source of disappointment and hurt  another, which are in themselves carry fatal elements that are doomed to sabotage any equation.  


I came to learn that it is only normal for us to fear new beginnings, things, people and see them as a dangerous territory.  Today, I am coming to accept the simple fact that in many areas of my life I simply need to accept that it is OK to "feel" and be  afraid as I am trying a brand new approach into life, people, places and things.  


Today, I am also coming to realize and acknowledge that "feelings are not facts"; For most of the "unnatural; weird; new; foreign" changes that are being introduced to my life do not necessary mean that they are wrong; Just because they differ from the perfect set up I had in mind that doesn't mean it is not the right one for me!


Today, I am learning to look differently at my FEAR and see it as a doorway to many choices that might have variable effects on my life; Today I have the opportunity to take a decision to either "Fear ($#@%) Everything And Run" or "Face Everything and Recover".  


Today, I am learning to take a deep breath and as I am figuring things out with my inner Joseph, I make a conscious choice to let myself be vulnerable and present, willing and ready to hear that Angel's voice to not fear taking that step and making that commitment!

It's Already in the Bag

God promises to provide us with the desires of our hearts -- Phillipians 4:19 John 15:7 Psalm 37:4-5


All books that speak of the ability to heal your life, and the power of positive thinking concludes that "If you can imagine it... it can happen to you". 


I was talking to my God daughter about why there are some areas in my life that seem to be lacking, while there is this other area that always seem to pick up and flourish despite of how many times it falls flat on its belly.  


Like me and work for instance.  How many times, have I changed jobs, and the economy in each time seems to be going from bad to worse, and despite the fears, concerns and warnings of many around me, things just pick up and for the better also.  I again find exactly what I am looking for in the exact shape, size and form and often exceeds my expectations. 


I wanted to get to the bottom of this, so I started exploring this idea further with my friend and breakdown the facts in hand.  So, I found that when it comes to work I do have a faith in God's promise that He is my provider; He provides and will continue to provide for me.  Therefore, no matter how things seem to go south at times and how many times I try and fail I just move on quietly to the next best thing, to purse that person, attend that meeting or write that e-mail, till the bait is caught and I find that I finally caught that fish I was looking for. 


The question within me was WHY?? then I seem to be having a harder time making peace and breaking bread when it comes to other things, relationships for instance! Why do the disappointments seems greater.  Why every time I seem closer to finding "The One", and I find it to be defective or I get hurt,  my heart goes sick and I instantly and instinctively withdraw and feel disappointed with God.  


I don't know about you, but it takes me a long time before I put myself out there again to try and as time goes by I grow more in fear that I am doomed for disappointment.  


Hence was my question; Why is my approach and attitude towards relationships and some other things in my life is so different than my attitude towards work?!  


I came to see that, when it comes to work and money, I developed this blind trust that God will provide, and I had faith that He does not take pleasure in seeing me in "Want"; Not only this but further I found that I believe that He already provided and its just a matter of me finding those "good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do" Ephesians 2:10. 

It's like a game where certain items are put in a large bag and you were asked to "go fishing" so you put in your hand, to touch and feel till you come out with the right item.  


I came to learn that the answer to my question was that with Work and money, I already figured this out, I confidently knew that the item was "In the Bag" so I just put in my hand and search for it, and if I came out with the wrong item, I say that this is OK, and I put my hand back in the bag and keep searching.  


Today, I came to believe that so is the case with all the other areas of my life.  I needed to be reminded that "All Items were already In The Bag".  And all I need to do is put my hand in and search; Sometimes I find what I am looking for from the first time, and that is what some call luck my dear friend :-)


I happen to know that I am not alone in this, in more times than I could count, everyone seems to share my experience, were we put our hands and seem to often come out with the wrong thing, or may be worse we get pinched by some sharp edged item and it hurts or may be injured; If we are confident that what we are looking for is still there.. all we need to do is go ahead, say that ouch, suck the blood,  and put back our hands in that deep bag till we find "the one", which feels right!


I came to learn that the answer lays within me, I just needed to dig deeper to find it.  The question was not directed to the void, the Universe or to my Higher Power.  It a question that needs to be directed to me alone, and only me can choose the answer to it.  Do I believe that my Higher Power is kind, honest and caring who does not set me up for disappointment?  Or do I function out of doubt and fear, filled with suspicion acting as if its some sort of a cruel game where I am sent out in a fishing expedition to look for something that was never placed in the bag to begin with?!!  Once, I have my answer, the rest is clear, more simple and makes the journey less painful and more interestingly comfortable.  


"Don't quit 5 minutes before the miracle happens" Anonymous